this is friekin hillarious.
these are ACTUAL AND REAL things that were on church programs.
"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased
person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
well now u can go thank all those church ladies with typewritters!
As a Christian I think it's good to laugh at ourselves sometimes, especially if we make silly mistakes. 
I sometimes wonder if they plan these on purpose.... 
