This was something I wrote for a local intra-college competition. We're usually given a set of titles and a few hours to make something of it. This was my attempt. My spontaneous poetry is pretty bad, but if you still have the time to have a look at this, then any feedback will be greatly appreciated

When you close your eyes


When a mosquito
Disturbs your dreams,
You murder it
And go back to sleep.

When the palette
Of the morning sky
Calls out loud,
You squirm in bed
Wondering why
The alarm didn’t ring.

When the rain
Wets your carpet
You curse the maid
And slam the windows.

When conscience
Taps your shoulder
Asking you to live
You shout and claim
That you’re still alive.


When you close your eyes
And get addicted to the dark,
When you shrug at clouds and
Shudder at filth,
It must be because
You are basically blind.

 

 

 

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The beginning stanza was nice

When a mosquito
Disturbs your dreams,
You murder it
And go back to sleep.

I wish you continued with this sort of morbid perspective of the topic. The ending of this piece threw me off because I didn't understand how it tied back into what you were saying. Hope to see more from you.

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I also thought it was a good way you started of in a morbid perspective.

I thought it would be good if the ending ended with the same stanza as the beging, so it would make the poem flow. Well thats just my opinion.

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Hello, AbstracT -

Thank you very much for looking at the poem, it's very nice of you to take the time to write back. I think I sort of see what you're asking me to do, even if I'm not quite sure how I may go about doing it. I think I was just trying to say that if one misses out on the small joys and principles of life, then it means you're not seeing things right, it's like being blind while your eyesight is fine, it's deliberately closing your eyes. I guess the fact that I had to work around the title was a bit of a limitation, and hence the cut-offness of the last stanza. I'll see what I can do about it Thanks again for looking, I am sure I'll be here as often as I can - looking forward to all the future interaction!

Neo,

Thank you for reading and your idea. I'll think about how I can change the last lines to make the poem flow better; I am sure using a part of the first stanza is a good idea except I have to tweak a little to get it right. I'm glad you liked the beginning Thanks again for reading, hope to see you around.

Cheers!

 

 

 

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