I was noticing I already posted my good poems here so I decided to write another one I just wrote this now in about the last 5 or 10 minutes Enjoy



What all think they've got
And so many do not
It's life's biggest must
Don't confuse it with lust
Any heart it can thaw
Fulfils God's moral Law
You can give to the poor
Let your body be burned
Work incredible miracles
Speak in tongues never heard
And if you're missing out
On this which you most need
Then let there be no doubt
You have nothing indeed
Many claim to serve God
But escape this command
And they find it so odd
This is His great demand
And for all of your knowledge
And wisdom, and power
Which makes others to tremble
And still others to cower
If you're lacking in this
Then all you have is moot
For you're missing the point
This, God's great attribute
It never harms others
Is patient and kind
Meekly it suffers
With no evil in mind
Bearing all, believing all
Hoping all, enduring all
Never failing, over all travailing
This, God's gift from above-
This Is Love

 

 

 

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As I am sure you have guessed from our past debates jzyehoshua I am not a religious man, and I don't like overly preachy speaches, bearing that in mind I though you might appreciate some honest input.

I did find it overbearingly preachy, yet not as bad as I first expected. It flows well there is one or two spots where the rythm skips a little and it kind of felt like tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, but nothing major. I found myself likeing the poem in spite of the religious overtones, I would comment though that I personally think you could do without so much preaching and let the poem speak for itself, you mention god specifically four times, and several times implicitly, I would put more emphasis on the implied and less on the explicit. No need to beat it over the head, really we get it, it is a religious poem.

It is a very good though, don't let my criticism fool you, I really did like it.

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Yeah, I noticed that as well :/ Also, you have a standard AABBCCDD etc. rhyme pattern going. And then you switch to ABABCDCD and whatnot. You have to keep it consistent no matter what you're writing.



-I like this part mostly because it's the least preachy. I don't really like other religions to tell me how to live :/
-Did you mean "prevailing" by any chance?

And the whole thing about letting your body be burned...er...not for the faint hearted. Not everyone wants to lend their body in such a fashion :/

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Well, I think the word I did mean was prevailing Like I said, it was a spur of the moment thing that took me maybe 5 minutes to write (most of my poems were written in extremely short time periods) and why it should flow so well.

With the rhyming scheme I don't like following patterns, the "Rabboni" and "Legacy" poems are the only ones written to a pattern before. I don't like using the same rhyming scheme and actually switch the pattern back and forth intentionally for variety I'll tend to go with that 1-2 beat and then get fancy occasionally with the 1-2-3-4 structure where I alternate the rhymes and in still other places I'll rhyme within just one line, like at the end. I like to mix and match I guess you could say. *shrugs*

As for the poems being preachy, it's not something I do intentionally. I write my poems to convey how I feel as well as to convey those things I've found most meaningful and valuable to me personally. My poems reflect that, I throw in the truths I've found and is what makes the poems good in my opinion. *shrugs*

Again, I wrote it just off the top of my head with no specific agenda in mind other then to convey what I know and feel about the topic of love. Writing like that tends to express myself best and how I really feel and am inside, in my opinion. I tend to write all my poems on very broad topics, "War", "Freedom", etc... I figured I'd write another poem to put on Trap17 so just wrote it as a new post right then and there. And it was high time I wrote a poem on love, but I'd actually been putting it off before because it's such an all-important topic. I'm pleased with how this one turned out though, aside from the travailing mistake

 

 

 

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wow, it's so nice,did u really writeby urself? I can't believe it!

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Thanks, and I did write it by myself. Again, I wrote it because I'd ran out of poems to put here so decided to make a new one I have several others on here that are better but noone wants to comment on them I guess:

-Time
-Rabboni
-The Pitcher
-War
-Earth

The only one commented on was the Time one, and that ended up being a conversation on whether I was posting them to "spam"

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