Life Changing Experiences - Experiences which changed your thinking & life

hey guys this is my story, I have had some pretty big life-changing experiences recently, no clue as to whether you will agree or not, but nonetheless have changed me.

 I am currently 16, my birthday was yesterday which was also in fact 2 weeks after the day my mum found out I have been smoking pot, now, I don't want you to immediately think I'm some sort of foolish retard because I have been very careful and can justify my decisions which hopefully you'll understand.

I was a very happy child most of my primary school, one of the "Cool kids" that had all the happiness life could bring you, girls that liked you, kids wanting to be your friend, etc. Etc.

This all went on until year 8 when I changed schools, I never wanted to go to this school, but my mum was very eager to not allow me to go to the school I wanted, considering my older step-sister went there, and had a lot of issues there. I should probably also mention that my parents are divorced and have been that way since I was around 3-4 years of age.

Now, year 8, not necessarily a fun year at all, I was quite immature which the kids in my primary school found funny, but which these highschool kids did not. I slowly became sadder and sadder, appeasing myself in a game called World of Warcraft, probably many of which you know, this created a lot of anxiety problems for me which is prevalent in both of my parents, as well as another condition that I'll get into. So I began getting more and more depressed over my anxiety, seeing as how it was stopping me from going to school.

Then one night it happened, I can hardly recall, it was the 13th of August (3 days before my birthday in fact) and my step-dad and mum were fighting, I can't remember what about however, but I remember that I was just so sad, it wasn't even about me what they were fighting, but I remember my mum kept coming in to check if I was alright, I kept saying "Yes I'm fine" when deep down I knew I wasn't, then I would want her to come back in again, just to say something along the lines of "I want to die".

When my mum did come in, she asked what was wrong, I said "Umm... Ummm..." I could feel a welling inside my chest, after a series of questions from my mum, she obviously knew what was wrong, I said "I'm thinking about killing myself" it was then she burst into tears and laid down on the bed with me, hugging me tight and waiting until I fell asleep, with a lot of words being exchanged, basically saying that I'm her world.

After about a year of psychologists, school and private, my anxiety wasn't going away, I was averaging about 2 days out of every 5 in a school week, until year 9, when it happened again, this time I actually wrote a note and couldn't bring myself to do it again, I showed my mum the note. I can't quite remember as this was a long time ago, but I do remember standing in the kitchen waiting for the clock to strike midnight, with a knife to my throat, worrying so much about the pain that it could bring me (physical pain from the knife) and after many nights of doing this, I think it's when I showed my mum the note. Which involved most of the same stuff as the night in year 8.

The anxiety still didn't get better, I saw a new psychologist, got new medication, you name it. I kept missing school more and more until I started playing football, which showed some light at the end of the tunnel, it was term 2 and my attendance started picking up, one of the teachers was basically threatening me also to come to school and to be honest, I was a little bit scared of her. (This was term 2 of year 10 by the way)

In term 3 things went back to their old ways, I started missing school again, which consisted of my mum getting me up every morning and me pretending to be sick, eventually not going to school because it was too much work for her and she had to leave for her work.

In the start of term 4, which is the worst of all, I actually nearly killed myself with panadols, I was home alone (Pretending to be sick) and I had been planning this for about a week, I was actually rather peaceful that day, I wrote a note and stole one of my mum's diet coke's, I remember that I got about 10 down before fear struck me, I was absolutely terrified of dying, I started panicking and made myself throw up in the toilet by sticking my finger down my throat, I then immediately called the poison information healthline (On the panadol box) and told them what had happened, crying my eyes out, then I gave them my mum's number and they called her for me, minutes later I received a phone call from my mum, I'll never forget her voice, it was terrifying to me just how upset she was, I have never heard her speak like that, not even on the other nights.

When she got to our house, she got me straight away and took me to the doctor, who insisted we go to the emergency room and get me a blood test, to make sure my liver wasn't damaged. We got there and waited about an hour before we were let into a private room, where a nurse took a blood sample, they then told us it would take 5 hours or so to get the results back, I was not happy to hear that, that 5 hours was the longest 5 hours of my life, sitting there in that room with my mum, for 5 hours... Not talking one single word.

When we got the results, I was fine, I thought I was because I threw the panadols up rather quickly anyway. But they said they needed to keep me here because it was a self-harm case, they initially said it would just be for the night.

That night, was horrible, just a complete feeling of being lost and trapped at the same time, I kept begging my mum to take me home but when she left, I must have cried for at least 2 hours into the bed they had given us... A horrible night sleep.

This story isn't even nearly done by the way, not sure if anyone will get this far or even really care too much, I was just hoping it might help someone in dealing with their problems.

Anyway, the next day I met everyone, got aquainted, etc. Not really needing to do anything at all for classes or staff.

That night, and consistently every night after that, my mum would bring me a bottle of coke, while I spent at least 2 hours begging her to take me home, reluctantly she would leave and I would cry in the shower, sometimes going into spurts of anger, punching the wall until my hands bled.

The next day, one of the nurses told me that I had a phone call, it was from my dad, I might add he hadn't known about any of this until just now, so my face was red with... Nervousness I suppose, when I picked up the phone I was just so sad, just replying with "Yes", "No" until the conversation was over.

Not the end yet, the next day my dad actually showed up, without him even telling me, it was alright for there, I was kind of glad it was out in the open with us now.

But that next day... That was one day I will never forget, the day went on as per usual, school (Hospital school) and then that afternoon, I knew my dad was coming over to see me, but he brought his girlfriend of 2-4 months and her son, 8 years old, when I saw his face and knew that he knew why I was here, I just left the room and ran down the hall crying eventually locking myself in the bathroom, constantly just asking for them all to leave.

When I eventually left after a pretty traumatising experience and convincing the psychologist I'd start fresh next year (By now 2 weeks were up and the school year was basically over) and it'd be fine. I went home, that weekend my friend (Who didn't know about all this), offered me some weed (Pot, Marijuana, whatever you want to call it). I wasn't really reluctant, I was happy to see my friend and get back to normality.

But that weed, I don't know what was in it, but after 30seconds to 2 minutes, I had a complete revelation, a true feeling of absolute identity, I know this makes no sense to you at the moment, but it was just a true feeling of shock, the shock of who I was, what had been going on in my life for the past 2-3 years and how I managed to get to this stage in my life, I was shocked and gobsmacked at how I had actually managed to screw up a lot of my life so badly. This is something possibly none of you reading this will have ever have experienced but trust me, it was absolutely real and absolutely astounding. I have never felt anything like it before, but when I look back on it, it makes me smile.

I continued smoking up until 3 weeks ago, when my mum found out, from my dad finding my phone that I left behind then going through the messages, and still I believe that I'm not done with marijuana, I believe it was VERY beneficial to me and hopefully some of you will be glad to know  my school attendance has risen, it is the 3rd term (I am in Australia) and my average is 4-5 days a week. My school performance is going average to well, I am in basically the highest classes possible at my school. I know maybe some of you might not want to hear it, but I think that marijuana can be EXTREMELY beneficial to a select few, namely me as one, it has changed my life and since being caught, I will continue to use it no matter what, my grades never slipped and since starting my life has improved dramatically, not that I endorse it, if you find it to be helpful to your life, never stop :]

I hope you enjoyed my story, that is all I have, took me about an hour to write, a lot of emotion and trauma in it, hopefully it'll help someone in their own small way. Thanks for reading.

Max

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QUOTE (OpaQue @ Sep 22 2005, 11:57 AM)

Let me thank you for starting such wonderful topics.

I was a bit ignorant about God all the time. I used to see my parents praying, and as usual, I learnt to do it too. It was simply copying.. However, my dad had always been a darn strict person. Never, allowed me much to sit in front of computers, play etc. All he used to say was.. 'study.. study..study.. ". It was like a kid was born to study. Anyway, whenever I looked at him, I used to get a feeling that he does not like me, but he does love me.

Things were very tough for me. I started earning (not professionally) by the age of 14. My dad always coaxed me about all the things he has done for me. He used to point out each and everything he ever purchased for me, as if it was one huge favor. Things like these hurt me a lot. When you have kids, its your part of the responsiblity to fulfil his needs to the best you can. If you give someone a gift, and keep on reminding that person about it and say things about the money you invested for purchasing that gift, that person will never consider it a gift.

However, by the age of 18, I realised, All things happen for Good. I had got admission in engineering (computer branch) and was sitting down thinking about everything that I have gone through in my life. I realised, if It wasn't for my dad, I would had never had that fighting spirit in my life to be independent. It was for him, I struggled and started working. By age of 16, I used to work in Computer stores and had the job of fixing computers. Because of that job, I learnt how evil the world was, how mean people are and how it works. I learnt how to sit, talk and behave in front of people. And the main thing that works here is, Showoff. No matter what you are and what you have, people only see how you present yourself. A person with good attitude and confidence with least knowledge can kiss heights of success. It was this time, I started having faith in God. Now, when I pray, I pray by heart. Not, just to say something for the heck of it.

Things happen for Good because God is with you all the time. I was once going out with my friend on his bike, this guy was riding like a maniac. Just 4-5 miles away from our house, I lost the bag (with $152) on our way and we had to return back. I was blamed for the bag and I had to pay that. Anyway, it was then I had this feeling that, may be this did happen for Good. Who knows, if nothing would had happened, and we could had met with a accident later.. No one knows what is going to happen next. This world is too complicated for us to understand. From thousands of years, in every religion and race, all mentioned about many things, but still a majority of it remains common in all. This definately cannot be coincidence.

I have always learnt from my past. I see things that happened to me, and try my best to learn from my mistakes. Believe me, you will also realise, whatever happens, always happens for the sake of Good. With every failure, there are 10 new gates of opportunity that open for you. Its now upto you, that you chose them or not. Also, I would like to add, Please do the things that interest you. If you like designing but you get a programmers job, even though you will be paid 10 times higher, you will never have the job satisfaction. Job satisfaction is the primary thing that one should keep in mind. If you like your job, you will do well, your results will be good, and you will shine among your competitors. And no doubt, you will have success following you. It doesnt matter how much you are paid.

These are just my opinions, which I learnt from my life. and Thanks again for starting this topic.

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Replying to sexymama1723 I never had a moment to find God. I'm the kind of person who grows up with something and sucks it up as a child. My family isnt a religious one, I'm not even baptised. There are moments when I feel so complete so enamorred withthe world and my surroundings that there is no other sollution than God. When I was growing up he had me getting up in the morning. He was the father, mother, brother, I never had. In my teenage years whenever I had my heart broken I would declare that I was going to become a nun and I would never have to see a boy again. I feel sad for the people who don't have that connection with the unknown. Thats all he wants is belief and yet its too hard for some. I did have my run-ins with churchs but for them it was all about sacrifise but I think God wants us to be happy and as long as we are fine with what we do there are no true parameters to sin. Except for the parameters that have coursed through humans veins since the beginning of time. The ten commandments made simple. For you who don't have belief, you need to find it and quick. There is something else, allow yourself to be vulnerable with a choice.

-reply by Charlotte

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