Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - Carl Zwanzig
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. - Jack Handey
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. - Rodney Dangerfield
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. - Gene Perret
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. - Harry Hill
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Steven Wright
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes. - Billy Connolly
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. - Les Dawson
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. - Tim Vine
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. - Dale Carnegie
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him. - Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election .. low score wins. - Jay Leno.
We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House, make no mistake about it. - President George W. Bush
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test. - Bumper Sticker
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her.. or something like that. - Bumper Sticker
Banks will loan you money, if you can prove you don't need it. - Mark Twain
I souport publik edekasion. - Bumper Sticker
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. - Bumper Sticker
Honk if you hate noise pollution. - Bumper Sticker
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'? - Jay Leno
Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives. - Sign in wallpaper & paint store
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Hector Berlioz
Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives. - Sign in wallpaper & paint store
