Ok, well this is a little deep, and a little personal, but I'm gonna write it down, and see how it comes out...

Until this day, close to no one knows of what I will speak of. It is the story of some of the most traumatic moments in my up bringing. I tell you them not for sympothy, or for pity. I tell you them in the hope that you will believe that you, reguardless of your past can make something of this life that they call nothing.

There have been a few decisive moments in my younger life, that have shaped me into who I am today. The first is the death of my close friend, Steven. I had trained along side Steven for over 4 years, and known him for almost 11. He lost his life whilst fighting in a freestyle full contact knockout cup in France, 2003. Before this, the only real dealings with death that I had had was that of my grandparents some 3 years previous. It was the death of these people that first let me to question religion, and to start thinking about what was out there for us once were done here. Loosing Steve, someone that was so close to me, like a brother was such a crippling blow. I still remember getting that phone call, and I remember going to the top of a large hill that over looks Torbay and sitting there, in the freezing cold for hours just thinking. At this point in my life, I have to be honest, I did not have the most direction. I was somewhat lost. The matter of the death, that was highly stressful and very upsetting had to stay with me, and my closest friends. I did not dare talk about it inside my family home. I never really had a very good relationship with my mother. Mostly due to her frequent lies and her alcohol problems. It hasn't been until only recently, after my parents finally started divorce proceedings that she has moved out with her 'partner', and left my father to support us all, that's me, my two brothers and my sister. To loose a friend that you have shared so many memories with, and spent so many hours training along side is so tough. You feel completely stranded. You feel no sense of direction, and your not really quite sure whats happening, or what's going to happen next. It took a couple of days for me to come to terms with what had happened, and it was weeks until that sureal feeling finally began to pass. Having said that, the pain will never fade completely. It's always there, but in time, it does get better. Again, one year later I lost another very close friend of mine, Peter Urnest to a road accident. Once again I was projected back into a sureal spinoff, with no sense of direction, and no one to turn to. Still, it did not make me the man I am today.

For what ever reason, the death of two close friends still did not kick start my life in the direction it is today. It took something much stronger to do that. In the summer of 2006 I suffered the most devostating and painful loss I have ever had to come to terms with. I lost my long term girl friend, Michelle Black through a Motorbike accident. This was much worse than anything I had ever experienced, and drove me to, and I'm ashamed to say it, but very nearly droove me to contemplate suicide. I lost the dearest person I ever had, and it hit me - hard. I took me months to come to terms with my loss, and even longer to finally accept what had happened. I can not find words to describe how it feels, and those of you out there reading this that have been in a similiar position will understand the pain and confusion. It's like hell. That's the only way to get close to describing what it feels like.
As if this was not bad enough, I was also, at this time in the mix of a rough divorce. My mother had commited adultery, and was in the process of ripping our family to pieces, trying to leave us with absoloutely nothing, not even a roof over our heads. I do not want to go to deep into the conflict with my mother, but all I will say is that I have never before felt such deep anger, and still today I am trying to deal with that deep burning anger.

Why am I telling you this? Well, the answer is simple, and it's clean cut - to show you that we all feel the same pain, and we all have to pick ourselves up, and we can all make it. It's you that makes it, no one else. ' You've gotta cry tough, out on the streets, to make your dreams happen. You've gotta cry out to the world to make them all come true, and when you get to the top, you've gotta get up and go right back down again.' Mainly - don't ever stop believing. The seemingly undescrible losses that I faced meant that my relationship with my father grew to such a massive exsent that I finally have that support that I have never had before, and the loss of such close friends, and in perticular, my girl friend has given me devotion and dedication to the martial arts. It's because of the past that I can enter the gym at 11:00 in the morning, and train right through until 06:00 and feed every single part of it from my heart. Still today music on the radio reminds me of my losses, and the cold rainy days spent lost and confused, but through it all I am still alive. We all feel the same pain, and we all bleed the same way. If you want something bad enough, then you can get it, I promise you this. The only problem is that you've got to want it more than anything else. Why should you listen to a 15 year old? Well, you don't. I'm not trying to convince you, but if you want to hear someone else say what you've always wanted to hear, it's here for you now.

Everything comes from your heart. You do need people around to support you, but ultimatly it comes from you, and you've just got to hold, when you feel like giving up, and throwing in the towel, in any part of life, be it martial arts, relationships, schooling or even life it's self - just don't give in. You'll make it one day, it'll get better, and it's that burning desire that'll keep you at your game. Remember, 'hard days make you, hard nights shape you'. It makes you tough, it makes you immune, it makes you pure. In time, it does get better, and no matter what the pain be, believe in yourself. Fight pure, throw the punches from your heart, and be proud of what you do, because it is only you that can perform like you do. It's your game, you play it how you want.
I believe that you have to face what it is that scares you more than anything.
If you took me back to those telephone calls again, I would be able to bear my teeth and brace the news. I would be sronger, because through all the pain, it's made me into a rock, and I can be there for those around me. It's something you have to do. When you have no choice, the only option you don't have is the easy one. You've got to be able to lie awake on those lonely nights knowing that there is more to it than this, you've got to be out there in the cold rain, knowning that it will get better than this & finally you've got to bare the crap that get's chucked at you knowning that you can with stand anything that this life can throw at you. When you can do this, then you are complete.
There is more to it than you could possibly imagine. There is more out there than you could ever know. You do not know what tommorow holds for you, it only takes a split second for your entire life to change. It does make you a better person, and it does make you strong, because you will be able to set your heart on something, and so long as you want to be capable of that, you will succeed. You've gotta believe that 'tommorow is always coming, and it's the one thing they can't take away.' Do what you do with pride, what ever it may be in life, what ever part of your life it may affect, do it with tonnes of heart, and you will succeed. 'There is no such thing as trying, you either do or your don't.' Make sure you do. Keep your head up, and keep on hoping and believe, taking every oppurtunity. Even when you are scared of what might come, even when you are afraid that it may be to much for you, just keep your head up and run at it with your guard up, and your spirit in your hands. You can do it, you can - if you believe. 'Remember, experience is a hard teacher, she gives the test first and the lesson afterwards.' You will get bad brakes, and you will screw up and make mistakes, but pick yourself up and start over, because you will succeed.

On the 1st November 2006, I will begin one of the toughest training programs of my life, not so much physically, but mentally as I begin to take off were my girlfriend left it. I will begin down hill trail biking. If you want me to be honest, I am terrified, not of the fear of acatually down hill racing, but of the memories. I don't know how I'll react when I see the exact bike in front of me. Why am I doing this? Because if I don't, then I'll spend the rest of my life with it hanging over me. I will crack this, and see what my mind is capable of, so that I can go forwards in life, knowing that I am capable of anything. I truly believe that if I can make it to race downhill, then I will be capable of overcoming anything. You see- you have to believe. No matter how terrifed you are, don't use your past or present as an excuse. If you've had the crap piled onto you in previous years, make up for lost ground by taking control of your life, and doing something that you believe in. It comes from you, no one else... Believe!


What do you guys think?

 

 

 

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I had a lot of trouble with depression and a few other things up until recently. I guess at some point you've got to get over what happened and get on with your life. I think getting my dog was the turning point for me. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning and get out of the house. I had to make the decision to try to work through my problems, though. No one else could do it for me. I've been trying to face a lot of my fears, the ones I think I can handle. It's actually been a great experience for me. I think I forgot what it was like to feel normal!

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ever since age of like 12 i have been runing the streets in my town . always getting into no good trouble.By age 15 i was breaking into houses,stores Anything i could get into .Caused over like 10k $ of damage. i feel guilty about it now as im 4 years almost 5 years older then. I look back on that shi* and relize how dumb i was. i only did 13 days in juvy for 3 felonys lmao I was doing all that to soport my bud habbits..now i still smoke but not as often..switch drug of choice But i aint out stealing anything or nuthing..I turned 19 and next day was in jail..for the next 8 months after that was in and out of county jail..last time cops set my up and towed my car...thats bullshi*.I going to make the mutherF***ers pay for new car,pain and suffering and ilegal inprission ment.. OHHH did i mention i was mentally abused from age 8-1- till i was 19 when i finally ran that scumb out of here

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Hey, that's tough. You know, everybody has problems. I think the point of all life's problems is just to get over it. Move trhough it, let them teach you, but don't get stuck in the past or on the problem itself. Getting throuhg tough stuff makes us stronger, because we knowth that nothing outside of ourselves can ever hurt us.

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wow whaat a story, not eveyone deals witht he same things but as the others stated, you just have to move on, theres nothing you can do to make it different thte things that happened are gone, ther is no changing it,,

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I know it's really hard to lose someone close to you. However I was tought (and this may not be the right way but thats what I do anyways) to suck it up. If you let you're emotions go then thats a sign of weakness, and weakness is something that you must get rid of. So everytime something happens I do what I always have, suck it up and move on. It does seem a lot easier to me, if I suck it up and move on with my life then it just seems easier to bare. If you lose someone then I would suck it up and forget. If you forget then you have nothing to be sad about if you don't remember it. I don't think its the right way to do things, but for me, it's the easiest and thats what I do.

I doubt this will be of any help to you to bare with you're loss, but I though I might share to you what I normally do.

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I know how you feel, but it was not as harsh for me, i had to bear the loss of a loved one, and i have learned to cope with it, It didn't take long, that I am not, and I am proud of, partly because i don't know how i can get past it that quickly, and partly because i did, i stood up, and said, why am i acting like this? She will always be with me, in my heart, and i can never actually loose her, try to think that if you have more troubles, and to tell you the truth, you said she died in (sorry) a motorcycle accident, then you took up biking? Is it the same thing that she did? If so, i heard that it is good if you do the thing taht person died doing, because it strengthens you, but seriously, i do not know where the hell i heard that, but its somewhere in my mind, I don't want to go into detail of everthing that happend to me, but it wasn't as bad as you, I only had one loss, but the age that the loss is at effects you a lot. If you are around your pre-teens, or teens (early teens) you tend to have more of a bad reaction, but get over it quickly, you know what i mean?

But again, I am very sorry for your losses..

 

 

 

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This is a true story and it pains me to think back......

It was when I was eight years old I was in California visiting family with my grand parents and my aunt Vicky. In the hotel that we stayed in I had made a friend. His name was Roy he was nine years old, visiting a national park with his parents. We became realy good friends within the two weeks we knew each other. Then it was time to leave... my family and I were in the airport heading back to Louisiana, and I saw my friend! I was so happy. We got in the plane and wanted to sit by each other and talk so we all rearranged ourselves and did. We talked and had a good time, until the middle of the flight. It got bad a huge storm, turbulance was bad, the engines cut out several times. But the whole time he kept telling me "it will be ok", "dont worry". I wanted to cry so badly but he wouldn't let me. We then later made it to an airport. Not our original destination because of the storm, so we had to stay at a hotel over night. We [Roy and I] didn't know we had to go to a hotel for the night at the time so we said our goodbyes. He gave me a bracelet he was wearing and told me and said " Promise to remember me?" I said yes, then we said bye. Later that night my family and I made it to the hotel, there was a phone call...it was the Roy's mother. She said that they were just in a horrible crash on the way to the hotel and were at the hospital. Also said that he had a severe cuncusion. The next day I went to see if he was ok, I ran to his room like there was no tomorrow. Opened the door to see the nurse feeding him. I walked up to his bed and said " are you ok?!", " Im glad that you are". Then he just looked at me strait in the eye, his eyes weren't as full of life as they were before. Instead of the response I wished for he said......."who are you" I wished to cry didn't I just held on the bracelet he gave me and left. I haven't realy cried since.

Someday I hope to see him again, If I can ever find him.

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