Well, recently I've been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months over the internet with a girl I met online. We've met once, but, due to circumstances outside our control, we haven't been able to get together, and probably won't for some time, maybe years. Our relationship has been quite amazing actually, talking over Skype and via AIM almost every day, sometimes bordering on 12 hours a day.

Now, up until recently everything's been pretty smooth, but, recently it's began to wane a bit. For the last week or so, she hasn't really been initiating conversations, leaving me doing most of the talking, always responding, but usually very shortly, like "lol". She also has not wanted to be on Skype much. Now, I realllllly love talking to her, and have told her so, maybe a bit TOO much. I emphasize that I only want her to be happy, and if she doesn't feel like talking, that's perfectly fine. Maybe too often, in fact. The thing is, it's true, but I'm constantly worried that I might upset her somehow, losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know somewhere that my feelings are at least partially irrational, but, I can't help but stop worrying...

I am actually wondering if I should just back off, maybe I'm being too clingy for her, and she just needs space? She feels like she must respond when I message even if she doesn't really feel like talking? I don't know, I'm really not very experienced in relationships even though I'm well past the normal age for such. At the same time, I worry that if I back off, stop messaging her, she'll think I've stopped caring or that I'M the one who doesn't want to talk. I know it's only been a week, maybe I'm fretting far too much over such a short time.

Any advice?

Thanks a bunch!

 

 

 

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It could be anything on why she's not as active with you as she used to be. If you already told her that you care and will help her in whatever she needs help in, saying it over and over again isn't going to make it more true and it's her choice to take you up on that. I know you're worried, i would be too if i were in your position, but it can really be anything and would be best if no conclusion-jumping occurs. This is a bit of a touchy situation, so advice on the matter is a bit difficult, and you've probably already come up with some ideas of your own, but during your recent conversations, has there been certain times where the conversation has been more lively? If so, perhaps you should talk a lot less or not at all outside of that time until things become "normal" again. If she asks why you've been slightly quiet, then tell her your concerns.

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Thanks a lot, that's similar to what I was thinking. Now, however, things are a bit different. The same night, she told me she no longer wanted to be 'together' anymore just friends. Which, with an internet relationship with no outside contact, really isn't all that much different, yet at the same time, there are WORLDS of difference. Yesterday, the day after the event, and even during the actual breakup, we were able to really talk again, it really almost seemed normal. But at the same time, she has said that she doesn't think we'll ever even get together, in 3 years or 10... As to why, I'm not really sure, I don't really think her feelings are gone, and, there were no fights or infidelities. However, I know I failed on trust and jealousy issues, said a couple things that should never have been said... For instance, she got on Skype the other day for the first time in about a week, and I was like o.o, and callllled. The call was refused, and she said maybe later. And I realized she had gotten on to talk to another friend, one who also hadn't been on much. I then made the silly comment, "Oh, I didn't realize Sarah was online" (Name changed to protect, etc etc) Other times in the past, I've done other things like when she takes a long time to respond, "I guess you're distracted, go ahead, talk to other people, that's a good thing" since she tends to isolate herself socially. She said she wasn't talking to anyone, and then I took a small snippet a friend had pasted just for discussion in an online chat, and said, actually, I know you're talking. I later found out that it had only been a small thing briefly, brief enough that it was fairly not really talking. Now that event was a long time ago, but I can't help but feel guilty...

Finally, the other day, we exchanged slightly revealing pictures of each other. Nothing explicit, less than you probably see on TV everyday. We've talked extensively, and we agreed that a sexual aspect of our relationship if it ever comes to being together, will come as it comes, she feels uncomfortable with it, and to be honest, I'm at very least a bit nervous too, though, if I'd ever share it with anyone, it would be with her. I view it more as a way to make her happy, than for my own pleasure, though, I believe I would find a considerable amount of pleasure as well, but, if she's not comfortable with it... She truly means the world to me, the lack of sexual relations wouldn't be a sacrifice. I really regret that day though, exchanging the pictures I mean, because really, that's not what's important to me in the relationship, and I believe that may have been what killed it. On that note, I've offered to delete the picture if she feels uncomfortable with it, I mean, she's more important to me than any picture, and to be honest, I haven't even really looked at the picture, it's not what's important to me and it feels hollow, since it doesn't give HER pleasure... Her laugh, her smile, that's what means the world to me...

It really isn't that I don't trust her, and I really do want her to have a life, but another part of me just wants to talk ALL the time, even though we talk a LOT as is...

I asked her why she wanted to end it, she said she really didn't know, she had just started thinking about it the last four days, and made the decision.

We talked a long time, I accepted the proposition of just being friends, asking her to leave the door open... (Now I think that might have been a rather foolish thing to say, as she either has the door open or doesn't, my asking probably only having a minor effect at best)

I also started helping her with a computer issue, which we didn't end up completing and agreed to finish the next day. And the energy that had been missing in our conversation was just back.

Now, every thing I've read suggests that it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to wait before contacting her again if I want to get back together, which, really, there's nothing I want more. But, I was stuck having promised to finish helping her again, so, we talked again, again really having a very good conversation till the wee hours of the morning.

I hoped that with our conversation reemerging, she might change her mind... I hadn't slept much the night before, I just woke up after two hours and couldn't sleep, so, during this conversation, despite usually staying up till 5-6 in the morning, I was getting tired around 3:00. I mentioned that I was tired, so I would probably go to sleep early, having had trouble sleeping the night before. Though, I ended up staying on anyway, since I just really wanted to talk to her. I don't know if that in and of itself may have been a mistake. But anyway, she apologized for the sleep issue, but, unsurprisingly made no indication that she had changed anything.

Anyway, most stuff I read online from people says "Wait 30 days, or at least several weeks, before talking again," but, very few, if any, are similar to this situation, a peaceful break up with a internet relationship and a friendship that is still actively working, on much the same levels as the original relationship. To me, it feels unfair to HER for me to just go off and disappear for thirty days.

So, I have a couple of choices,

A) Go away from chatting for a significant period of time, hoping something will change, but, to me this feels unfair to her, though, to be fair, we've never been apart for more than 24 hours or so in the entire time we've been in the relationship, and if she needs time alone, I certainly want to give it to her.
Talk to her about my feelings now, but I don't want to hurt the relationship by seeming like I'm begging, or get a pity response
C) Let the friendship continue and maybe redevelop into more, and maybe not, things do appear to be going well, but I'm also afraid that she's chafing underneath, though, to be honest, it feels like she's enjoying things too, albeit a bit torn up about having had to break the relationship

My leaning in this position is towards C, but, I really don't know if I'm making a rational decision, or just wanting to talk to her anytime I can.

I appreciate any advice you can give, thanks a lot!

 

 

 

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Honestly love, I would just get on with my life if I were you instead of feeding myself with false hope.

I don't mean to sound insensitive and I know this is easier said than done, especially when I can feel how hard it is for you to just let go of this relationship and how much emotion and time you have invested into it.

However, I think its best for your health (mentally, physically and spiritually) to just keep yourself busy and stay off skype. I realize you've formed a daily habbit with this chatting thing, but remember this: (my dad always told me)"It takes 7 days to form a habbit and 14 days to break it." So keep busy and since you are officially single now hang out with other girls and enjoy yourself, oh and DON'T talk about her all the time, and if you can do this, you will find someone who loves you enough to MAKE time for you:)
Best of luck to you:)

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Well, I'm familiar with the train of thought, as it appears to be the dominant one. And from my studies in psychology, I know that people often find ways to hide from painful truths. But at the same time, the reality is, these things sometimes DO work out, even if rare. There are so many things people do because it's the dominant thought, too many risks people don't take, because they're risks. I know that I'm setting myself up for being hurt to some degree, but, all I know, is she's worth it. What I'm more concerned about is hurting her. Maybe the best way to avoid hurting her is indeed drifting away. But at the same time, giving up just because things might or even probably won't work just isn't in my nature. I just want to approach this with the minimal injury to her. Both of us aren't the type of people to have many friends, we have difficulties forming attachments. I really think I can keep at very least the friendship going, and frankly, even a friendship, means more to me than anything else.

I understand the logic of saying go away for a while, she'll contact you if there's a possibility of getting back together, but, I just want to weigh in all possible sides of the die so to speak. I want to approach this having considered ALL sides, not just the one common response.

Though, I am doing the rest, getting more involved in family, activities to fight the depression, and even in the friendship with her, I really do find solace. She's just such an amazing person, we can talk about EVERYTHING, I dunno, I think ending with her completely would be a mistake, though, I'm still open to hearing more from all sides of this issue.

I really do appreciate the advice, it's well taken.

Thanks.

EDIT: Well, I think ultimately, I may just let it slide back to friendship for the time being. I decided to talk again, because really, it's not me to do otherwise, and if I'm not being myself... I will miss the relationship, but I still have hope of eventually fixing things. Our friendship continues quite smoothly so far. It will be another 3 years until the relationship could become non-long distance anyway due to education completion, so, in some ways, it may be better for it to be friendship. I also think I may have turned it from friendship to a serious relationship too quickly, so, this will give it more time to mature properly. Any advice on how to proceed if I do try to make it more again in the future? Is it something I will be able to safely ask having been friends for a while? Or do I have to wait for her to ask, since she broke off?

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I'd say wait for her to give the signal. And if she does, make sure it's not wishful thinking on your side. But there's no guarantee that she will.

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I can see how you believe this is the best thing that has ever happened to you, but theres one thing missing in long-distance relationships.

Intimacy.

Emotionally, you can fall over this girl. but what about physically?

Thats pretty important to any relationship...and thats what she was missing.

Having a relationship that relies on sitting in front of the computer for hours of the day is bad socially and can wear you down.

Ive met an awesome girl over the net years ago...but it just could never be because of the distance. Phone convos were great and all..webcams helped alot....but in the end...the touch of someone you love is much better than typing....

Just my two cents...

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