Hey all. I need some help. My ex-gf of four and half years broke up with me about eight or nine months ago and I still can't get over it. We dated for another four months after that, I don't think either of us were ready to let each other go yet, but she ended it for good in June when I became insanely jealous of her friendship with some friends of mine from high school. She was my g/f from college and she had moved to my town after college to live with me in my hometown. I was a prick to her most of our relationship and I deserved to get dumped, but I love her so much. I didn't realize till it was too late. I had a really hard time when we first broke up in June and its still bothering the hell out of me. I don't know what to do. I just started my first professional job six weeks ago and its affecting my work. I don't sleep well, I can't enjoy myself. I have no self-confidence anymore. And generally, I am one of the most self-confident, outgoing people around (or at least that's what people tell me.) I have a master's in Psychology, so I am not stupid, but I just don't know what to do.

Normal break-up advice hasn't worked for me. I am bordeline obsessed. This past weekend I ran into her at a bar downtown with those same friends I was so pissed she was hanging out with four months ago. this was odd considering she had moved to another city out of the state. I was flabbergasted and emotionally destroyed to see her. But I was calm and was even polite to those old friends who had backstabbed me when they threw away 10 years of friendship to hang with my ex. I spoke with my ex at the bar and it was great. She even gave me a peck on the lips and two on the neck when she left. It was so weird (surreal almost) to see her leave with other people though. It's something I had never seen before and it really screwed me up. I went home and cried like a little baby and I have been wallowing ever since then. That was five days ago. I thought I was getting over her, but I guess not. I have texted her like 40 times the last three days and she flat out told me to stop doing it. She said she had moved on and it seemed like I hadn't. Except, less than a month ago she randomly texted me wondering how I was doing. She said she wanted to know I was happy, like she needed to know it or something. I think she is just trying to lessen her own guilt over hurting me.

Either way, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am gonna blow my new career and that I am never gonna find someone to love me again. I want to crawl into a hole and just die. Its so hard to go through the day acting like you are ok when you are anything but. I've been hangin with fam and friends (which I have plenty of) and it hasn't helped. Even after four months (deep down) I still love her more than I can express in words. She will never take me back, so what do I do? I feel like I am on the precipice of a mental breakdown. I feel like there is no reason for me to be civil anymore. I want to be nasty and break something. I want to tell her where to stick it. I want to beat the crap out of those old friends (though I know it wont' make me feel better). At least, I'll feel like I have regained some of my control. Someone help me, please. I need advice (and fast).

 

 

 

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Well I'm younger than you since you said you had your master in Psychology. I'm only a freshman in college and going for computer science. Not smart but just doing my best to keep it up.

It really is hard to let someone you love for more than 2 years go. It even hurt more when you see them around town when they're supposed to be living in another city, state than the one you two used to be when you still were dating.

You said you text message her lately but she asked you to stop? And also you said that she text message you the other time asking if you were happy? Were you trying to date anyone in between those time? If not then, all I can think of is you asking your boss for some time off. Maybe a 4 days weekend is enough too. You really need to tell her that you still love her after all this year. Oh and maybe you can read what you wrote here to her it might help or maybe not.

Well, if you get that time off try to go see her and tell her. Tell her that you thought you move on without her, but then you just realized that you never did. You can also tell her that you're scared of getting fired because of you thinking too much of her and what the thing you could have done to make everything better. And, she should also know that every guy is jealous when his girlfriend is talking to other guys, so tell her that you're sorry for been so jealous and even though you try not to show it or anything you still can't bare it seeing her talking to other guys. Especially when those where your close friends who just left you alone after they found out that you and her was over.

I like a my friend and she in my college. I never told her that I liked her, but it make me really jealous when she start talking about our friend a guy. I don't know why. I mean I shouldn't be because I know we're all friends but I just think too much and it make me jealous and just break my heart away.

Anyhow back on your story. You try to go see her, tell her you're sorry for everything you've done wrong in the past and that you really wish you that she would give you another chance. Explain her how that feeling just haunt you over that past months or days just like you did here. Make sure you tell her that but don't over do it, else she'll just think that you're lying or just trying to get something out of her (as something bad but not getting back together). If she have a boyfriend now, just tell her what's been on your mind because she won't leave her current boyfriend if she have one. After all how long have it been? It shouldn't really take that long for you to see what you did wrong and all to go back and beg her for another chance. But here it looks like you took forever that's maybe why she message you asking if you were happy.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that you just need to tell her what's been on your mind lately. And if she doesn't give you another chance, just let it be. That really means she is over with it. Control your emotions, I mean don't get angry if she doesn't want to be back with you. Just show her that you're really sad to know that she doesn't want to be with you and show her that you really care about her that is why you took the time to go see her in person and not calling her or messaging her.

Not sure if it'll help, but maybe you should give it a try. If you think it's a good idea, just do whatever you want that you think is right then.

 

 

 

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Hey man, thanks for the words of wisdom. The thing is that I have already said all those things to her and she is really f*ckin stubborn. When she makes up her mind about something she really makes up her mind. I mean, she moved to a city where she didn't know anyone at all to take a job and (partially) to get away from me. She wants to start a new life and she doesn't want me to be a part of it. Even if she does (given her text message and the way she acted when she saw me) she'll never admit it because she has convinced herself she is better off without me. She doesn't want me, so I just want her to go away. I just don't want her hangin out with my old friends. IT means she still has a reason to come around my city (ya know?). I just don't know how to deal with something being over. It just doesn't compute in my brain. Any advice

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I agree with boy-thoj.

But if you have already talked to her about what boy-thoj said. then you need a different approach.

Do you go to the gym??

If you do go to the Gym, then i think its time to take some of that anger and built up emotions out on a Punching bag.

I know it may seem like just venting some of your frustrations, but its better than the other thought i had, which was to find her Beat the crap out of her, and those backstabbing friends. You need to channel your anger and jealously into something that is going to help you, A punching bag is a great tool to channel your feelings into, it won't get hurt or punch back and best yet you won't get arrested over it.

I have been there and have done it the wrong way, i lashed out and spent the next 12 months in jail.


There is always a way to change your negative energy into positive energy, you just have to find out what one works best for you.

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You say you have a Master's in Psychology, so you should already know the symptoms you're exhibiting are obsessive. You admitted to being a prick and deserving to be dumped. Maybe you have some guilt over the way that you treated her and need to reconcile that before you can move on with your life. Apologize for the way you treated her, acknowledge that you should have treated her better, and then tell her you will be available to begin a friendship with her in a month or so if she wants. The stick to your word and don't try to talk to her for a month. Just take it day by day and do some of the things suggested to keep your mind occupied. Focus on work, exercise, start a hobby, restart your Halo 3 game and try to get all the skulls on Legendary mode, just do something to keep yourself from calling her. Think about her all you want, but give her some time and space. Use this time to think about why you acted like a prick and how you can improve yourself so that your next relationship won't suffer. And remember, most psychologists believe that it takes half as long as the duration of the relationship to get over it. So if you were together for 4 years, you probably won't be ready to get into another relationship for at least 2 years after your break-up.
As to her hanging out with your friends, she left behind all the people she knew to be with you. I'm guessing the only people that she got to know very well were your friends. Sometimes break-ups are just as hard on the friends because the couple forces their friends to choose between them. Try not to be one of those couples. Rather than see them as backstabbers, you could be thankful that they're watching over her rather than letting her go off to a bar alone.

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Hey all, thanks for posting. I appreciate the advice. I hope everyone continues to post (and encourage others to do so also). Its very cathartic for me to discuss this with people who don't know me. You all are like indpendent arbitrators. Anyways, to continue....I think I am gonna take Tiki's advice....just lay it out for her one last time....I was thinking of doing it in a letter (I can't text her anymore for awhile after my pathetic display of text assaulting this week) and she won't answer a phone call. I am not gonna call her work cause that willl just piss her off. THe only time she has been kind during this whole ordeal (the only crack in her arsenal) is when I basically left her completely alone for about six weeks. Now that I have been texting her again (and then saw her on Friday) I have been going overboard. I thought I was more ready to be friends with her than I actually am. And TIki is right about another thing. It is obsessive. It's torturous. I do have OCD, but I don't take meds for it. I don't believe in them and I have never taken them for an extended period of time. I have always been able to beat my obsessions eventually, but I feel like this one is different because its a person. I know, logically, that if I've beat obsession before I will do it again, but that doesn't make it any easier to get through the day. I don't want to f*ck up my job or fall behind in my bills. I have alot of obligations that I cant afford to screw with. Anyways, what do you all think about sending a letter....what about coping strategies in general. I find my mind wandering to things we did together. S*it, I lived with the girl for the last three years. She was (not my whole life - because I have tons of fam and friends locally) but she was the main focus of it. I feel trapped and hopeless....I just want to be over this so I can move one...I have so much guilt....

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Hey man, a letter would maybe work out well.
It's not annoying her on the phone (either TEXT MESSAGE or a CALL), and it's more "personal" than a simple SMS or you calling her to talk about serious stuff like this.
Try make that letter the work of your life, and hope for the best.

Still - After all the things she say to you / try to keep you away - Do you REALLY REALLY need her that much? I know it's *BLEEP*! And moving on is ... Tough times, but if SHE WON'T STILL take you back after trying this hard , you must move on somehow.
It could take years, it could take months, it's all up to you.
Now it's not just to *SNAP* the fingers and say "Ok! I'll move on" because I know what it's like. (I'm still young but love hurts... <'3)

All i'm saying is - GO FOR IT - And if she's not willing anymore - Leave it - If you're "ment to be" she'll come back to you when you least expect it.

Good luck, friend. Best of luck in life.

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Well, technically, you don't have the right to get jealous since you're not his boyfriend anymore. You could get hurt, I understand that, but as a result of the break-up, you are not entitled to whatever she doing or whoever she's meeting with.


There's a saying that something (or someone, for this matter) becomes the most important thing (or person) when you realize you've lost (or even start to lose) them. You know for a fact that it's your fault that you've split so I think you should get an idea where to start if you really want to move on.


(1) You know, even the smartest person gets dumbfounded when they're falling in (and out) of love. Such cliche, I know. I think most people will agree to that.
(2) I will get to this point later. Right now, all I can say is, like what I've said, you don't have control over who she meets or hangs out with anymore.
(3) Well OF COURSE! If I received like 10 messages from the same person in one day, I would already freak out, what more if it came from an ex? Any person would definitely tell you to stop it. And you could just squeeze it all in one call instead of a hundred messages. There would be more emotion (plus, she'll think you really put an effort into it) in a call compared to a text message. You do know that text messages are interpreted in a lot of ways, right? A message can convey different emotions depending on how the reader is going to read it.
(4) She's not lessening her guilt over hurting you. Remember, you're the one who hurt her in the first place, remember? Her breaking up with you would probably be the best thing that ever happened to her. But that's just the mean way of looking at things. All I'm saying is that you probably misinterpreted what her intentions really were in the message. Like what I've said, messages can be interpreted in a thousand ways. On a positive note, come to think of it, it was nice for her to send you a message asking you how you're doing. Most ex's wouldn't bother.

First, I think the best way for you to move on is to have a quality time for yourself, ALONE. If you can't get a vacation this early (I'm guessing newly-employed people aren't given vacation leave yet), just stay at home, that means no bar hopping, just in case you're going to bump in to her again. This is for you to be able to internalize and think about what has happened, what you could have done to prevent it from happening, assessing yourself and your attitude towards other people. Or you could go to others for help. Just because you have a master's degree in Psychology, doesn't mean you can solve it yourself (wait... you're doing it here already ). Making peace with yourself would take a lot of time, and after you've done that, it would be the time you face her and tell her honestly what you feel. It all starts with yourself. And as they always say, stay positive. What I've noticed from your story is that you already jump to conclusions and think of negative stuff, before you actually process things out first. As a result, you always get angry and emotional.


Well, that's a good thing with forums like these. You can get a mature advice and since you're talking to people you don't know and don't know you, you're less likely to get worried of your news getting spread all over the metro), but I don't think people here would go that far. Consider yourself lucky, for you get the services for free.


(1 & 2) Well a letter would be nice. I think it's a great idea, since you've already mentioned that calling her would also freak her out or something. Just don't send the letter immediately. Put a lot of thought to whatever you're going to write to it. From the looks of it, I think you're doing great. Thinking about what have happened to you in the past is a great way of dealing with the problem. Keep it up!

I hope that helps, even for a bit. Most people have given their responses, and I think I should share some. Good luck.

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First of all i want you to look in the mirror and give 5 smacks on your cheek and repeat these words 5times a day: I AM NOT GOING TO BE WUSSY ANYMORE!!!! Ok now listen breaking up several times is a bad sign for any relationship. You guyz may again patch up but its no use, you are again gonna lose her and i can bet a 100$ bucks for this. Here are some of the mistakes you are making while dating with her :

1) Showing much more affection towards your
partner than he or she does towards you.

2) Trying to advance and take the relationship to the
next level when your partner does not share the
same vision.

3) Forcing or manipulating your partner to change.

4) Being “too” eager about the relationship.

5) Acting needy.

6) Acting jealous.

7) Trying to control or manipulate your partner into
loving you.

8) Begging, crying, or throwing tantrums to make
your partner stay with you or be nice to you.

9) Not giving your partner enough room in the
relationship.

10) Trying to keep your partner by “proving” to them
how much you care.


Remember the Push and Pull rule: The more you push a person, the more you push them away.If you have been pushing your partner too much in the past, then it’s time to stop and give the relationship some space. Instead of pushing your partner away from you, try to PULL BACK and see they react. If you pull back from a person while they still have a certain amount of attraction and "romantic respect" for you, they WILL freak out and give you more attention. You can THEN work on your relationship problems.

Don't give her much attention for few weeks then again flirt with her more heavily and raise the chemistry between you two and see how your relationship is gonna work out. If not there are some other beautiful girls who can respects you more than her. Again i would say, hangout wid' other womens, tease them and act like a challenge infront of other people.

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I need some advice.
Can\'t Get Over My Ex

Replying to Atthackhi, I'm new here. After reading all these forums and looking at how hard it is to move on from an ex-girlfriend, I'm in that same situation. Me and my girlfriend of nearly 4 1/2 years broke up and I have to say it was the worst break-up I have ever gone thru. We've been thru so much together, its a little too personal to go into detail, and we were going thru lots of drama. I'll admit, I was TOO being a prick, in the months before our recent break-up, I was constantly paranoid, because I suspected that she was doing stuff behind my bac, such as seeing other guys (who are her friends) and doing other things that hindered our relationship. I guess I got so worked up over it I went haywire and I started flipping out on her. But of course I never hit her. Its wrong to hit a woman.
Anyway, we were always getting into arguments and drama and she would constantly threaten me by saying it was over. Of course I was always quick to say I'm sorry and beg her to reconsider. Of course she would find it in her heart and not dump me. But just a few weekends ago, that was the last straw. I guess she started thinking about all those times I put her through all that emotional drama and I guess she finally broke down and didn't want to be wit me anymore. All because of my paranoia of her talking to other guys and some of her friends. I think I scared most of her friends away all because I wanted to spend time with her. I guess I took her for granted at most times. I guess I deserve this extreme pain of losing someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Heres the background information on how we were. We met while we were both young (in high school) and dated on and off. We broke up a few times. The first time we broke up was because I found out she cheated on me while I was away on my senior trip in 2004. I lost my feelings for her, but she felt heartbroken. So we broke up, even though she didn't wanted. So we were apart for about 4 months, later on, I realized I never got over her. I felt like dirt. I felt miserable. At the time she was with someone else that was turning sour. I managed to get her back. So we were together for a while, then it got bad, we broke up again, then got back together. At the beginning of this year, it got even worse. We would constantly have arguments and my paranoia ran wild. Then last weekend, it all came to an end. I think this time its for real.

Bottom line is I was a total prick to her. I know she deserved better. She deserved to be treated like a princess. I guess I got worked up over the fear of losing her I focused heavily on her than my own life. I'll admit, I'm afraid I'm gonna be alone. And now I lost the girl I truly loved. All because of all this emotional drama. She don't want me bac she says. But heres the thing, she wants to be friends and that she don't wanna be with guys for a while.
Thats what she said, now shes with someone else, I admit, I'm hurting over that and I feel jealous, because I want her back so bad it really hurts. Isn't that a little too soon??? I mean I already saw hickies on her neck, and yet when I asked her if it will get serious, she says she won't.
We still talk, I still give her a ride in to school (college that is) but its hard fighting off the urge to wanna grab her hand or kiss her. I try to talk more about why this happened, and like how sorry I am and how my first weekend without her was so hard. But she would get mad and not want to talk about it. We already talked about all that but I just can't get over it. I really need help you guys. What should I do for this specific nightmare I'm going through. I feel depressed, I can't really sleep, eat or do the normal things I like doing. I'm am emotional unstable and I feel like I might break down. I know that sounds odd because I'm a 23 year old man in college working for a bachelors degree. But I have never been this close in a relationship to a girl in all my life. Besides the drama, we had some very happy times, we would cruise around, we would go watch a movie, and we would just enjoy our company. We got so serious tat we would stay at each others houses for the night. At one point, I did a mock proposal with a ring that did look fake. Of course, I was planning to pop the question later on this year once things improved.
This is why its so hard to move on, me and her have been through so much. We were there for each other through our worst times. Just last month, she got sick from the cold, I kept her comfortable and warm, I gave her soup and cough medicine. And when her pet cat got ran over in October, she was so heartbroken and hurt she broke down uncontrollably, she got depressed over her loss. I had to hold her in my arms and had to comfort her. I lost my grandmother in Nov. 2006 and that was the hardest for me, she was there for me. We kinda got stranded at a concert in 2006 and we had to be there for each others, but we got some help so that was so kind of that couple. And when her mom was admitted to the hospital, she got worried, I had to hold her and comfort her. The bottom line is we made each other feel special and appreciated.

She did say that she will always love me and be there for me, and that she isn't like most girls who would just forget their exes and totally move on. She hinted that she still wants to be in a part of my life. I feel the same way about her. Thats why its hard being just friends when my feelings still linger on. I'll have to admit, we were friends with benefits while we were apart in the past, but that didn't seem to work out. I rather be with her and make out with her. Anyway, do you think its worth being friends with her while she with someone else? Another question, if she really loved me, and we were meant to be, she would come back to me, right?
Because, I learned a lot in this relationship, and now I know a girl deserves better and needs space, I am ready to start over again, this time being for real and not screwing up. I just hope she and I would get back together again sometime down the road, knowing that this time, I promise that I wouldn't end up like how I was. But its gonna be hard to move on if not, and if I do get back with her, hoping the old cycle doesn't return.
So I need some serious advice, is it worth being her friend if I may get back with her???? Please help me out in this complicated dilemma. I'm still heart-broken, suffering, and trying to get over this. Yet be her friend.

-reply by ShawnS_CollegeDude84

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