You Are A Bad Cook If...

- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

 

 

 

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Actual Airline Announcements


These are claimed to be actual announcements made by in-flight attendants:

Before takeoff:
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt on the planet. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such persons, decide now which one you love more."

Shortly before arrival:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline."

On the ground, after an exceedingly bumpy landing:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

On arrival:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at this airline."

 

 

 

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*Substitute Teacher*

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a
new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead
against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer
moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid
out of his locker."

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*Laws of Computing*
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions
offered
by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to
new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand
is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and
the
keyboard."

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Learn Chinese:
(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift
(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat

(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?

(English Phrase) See me A.S.A.P.
(Chinese Phrase) Kum Hia Nao

(English Phrase) Stupid Man
(Chinese Phrase) Dum Gai

(English Phrase) Small Horse
(Chinese Phrase) Tai Ni Po Ni

(English Phrase) I bumped into a coffee table
(Chinese Phrase) Ai Bang Mai Ni

(English Phrase) It's very dark in here
(Chinese Phrase) Wai So Dim

(English Phrase) This is a tow away zone
(Chinese Phrase) No Pah King

(English Phrase) I got this for free
(Chinese Phrase) Ai No Pei

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THere's this guy who entered an art compeition. He handed a blank piece of paper to the guy who collects the art. He's like wat the hell is this. THe guy said it's a cow eating grass. The guy's like where's the grass. He said, "the cow ate it". Then the guy's like where's the cow. "Why would the cow be there if he already ate the grass? he said!!!!!!!!11111111111 AHAHHAaha

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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether
to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to
go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St.
Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want
to see heaven!" " Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!
I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place,
with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the
water?!???"

"That was only the demo version," replied St. Peter.

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Here's a good one:

Never Trust an Old Lady
----------------------------

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.


Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

========

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place. Some of these are unbelievable. When there's parenthesis, those are my reactions:P

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us! an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?( idiots )

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time ( )

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? ()

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? (lol)

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
theautopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere. (retarded )

Anyways, I thought these were really funny. Enjoy

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LOL.. nice jokes some of you got there... My stomach was in pain for quite awhile after laffing so much.. You could have got me killed

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