experience.
I knew she existed in 3rd grade.
Played Dodge ball with her in 5th, 2of my friends liked her and she liked
one of them back.
6th grade first time i talked to her, on aim or anywhere else (the first one
outside my family for the least but, that was only for that one conversation.)
First one id have feelings for.
School year of 2003-2004
7th grade, Wow. that year was just like any other. I didnt like anyone or
think of liking anyone then. all i focused on was my schoolwork. When i
found out my friend cristian liked kawai, that was cool with me. and i supported
him. Even told him to ask her to one of our school dances but, he
never did so. He would always ask me who i liked and name out all the posible
girls that i might have. I would always laughed saying no to his choices.
Until one day, ive started to crush on her. Ive never felt this way before,
n i would just ignore it all denying it. part of the reason is that i knew my
friend liked her. and rumor had it that she had feelings for him too. So i never
bothered to say anything or tell anyone. On the last school dance, which i
didnt attend.. he come n told me that they were dancing i was tryn to act happy
for him saying how cool that was. But deep inside i kinda felt dissapointed and
i thought that my chance would never come. So from that day on i told myself i
wouldnt say anything to anybody about how i felt aobut her. Why would a girl
like that even picture herself with somebody like me anyways, rite? So ya
everyday my feelings for her would grow more and more.And ppl were saying that
they were together and stuff. i didnt know what to do. And everyday afterschool
i would see them 2 hugging each other saying bye. i felt so bad.. So even over the
summer i had feelings for her....i didnt know y i never saw her o r talked to her
on that summer vacation..
Fall 2004-2005
So new school year. Never thought i would sitll like her. but then i did. that was
the sad part.First day of school, we were in the same class agen.[side note: our
school is a k-8 grade so middle school classes worked differently 5 periods 3
teachers. one taught 8th grade science and math another taught 8th grade social
studies and english, another taught 6th 7th 8th grade p.e this worked for all
classes of 6th 7th and 8th] me and my friends including cristian sat in the table
next to the one she sat in. I tried to ignore her cuz i knew cristian still
liked her, and i didnt wanna get into anything with him. but i kept looking
at her but, i would always turn back. Then the teacher just had to pick me
to pass out papers.. as i was passing it out i walked by her..and that was
the closest i ever got to her. I felt even more awkward and nervous. like
always. everytime i was within 10feet of her, i would be nervous and not
say anyything walking away staring at the floor. As the first day of school
moved farther away i started to talk to her on aim. i wouldnt have nothing to say,
except some weird and very random things, hence the Screenname AzNnweird. I
still felt nervous. talking to her and this was AIM! wow, damn she really drove me crazy.. So as
we talked more on aim, i would ignore her just as much at school. I mean
i totally dont talk and avoid her on purpose and, just admire her from a
distance away. Cristian on the other hand..started talking about her less
and we would just fool around in class and stuff. The only reason y i would
do so, is to get her attention. I knew that when the teacher called us out
or yelled at us, the whole class would see. which means kawai would see too.
As the school started getting more organized for the school year,the classes got all screwy and
everything was different. the only times i would be in the same class as her
would be in social studies and science. Everyday after school i would look
forward to talking to her on aim. Everything i had to say or thought of
saying to her i said it. except the feelings i had for her, nobody was to
know. And i started to play gunbound and i told her about it. and we
started playing, me being the one who taught her how to play, her being
newb and all, i taught her. and i still remember in one game, all of a
sudden she said i don`t like you. that hit me hard..how could she know?
how would she know? how? this i didnt know..i just ignored it. since girls
ussually say "i dont like you" or "i hate you" when they're loosing or
soemthing. Liking her form a distance, just talking to her on aim was
good with me. as long as there wasnt anything less. i didnt need more.
So few days later. My friend Ivan told me that he had asked her who she
liked and she replied saying that one of her friends [jacky] said that
i liked her. This surprised me alot how could he know? i mean i didnt
talk to him since the 2nd grade. So i as the only thing to do. i just
ignored it agen. So with with the question of, does she know? and the
fact that she doesnt like me i would sitll talk to her everyday saying
my weird stuff and she would just reply with a "lol" all the time.
I thought this was a good thing, since most advice would come saying make her laugh be funny.
As time passes on i would just continue my daily basis still having
feelings for her, even after beeing rejected? So to keep the convo
going i would tell her everything that was going on in my life. New
shoes? got a hair cut. i would tell her. wheather she was intrested or
not i would just tell her. When something happens she would be the one
i go to telling her whats wrong. So our p.e teacher set up this chess
club thing for tuesdays wednesdays and thursdays after school until 5 o
clock. So for some reason she tells me that shes gonna go to chess club...
cuz she has nothing to do afterschool. so imm like oh *BLEEP* this is my chance
to talk to her. [at chess club i mean] So i signed up too, even though
i suked ass at chess. So i would go to chess playing other ppl from
the other side of the room, when it wasnt my turn i would look at her
even if her back was facing me. Most of the time i would see her and
another person playing chess, hearing them talk with her laughing, i
would always get jealous, but i just kept it inside of me. Even at
school, i would see her talking to other guys, wearing their jackets,
hugging, doing all sorts of stuff and the fact of her not liking me
would always come up...but i didnt care.. i didnt need those stuff
or did i? And that would be the only reasons i would go to chess.
I knew she had all these other guys, who are better then me that
are always talking to her, and the only way i knew how to get her
attention was agen, acting up. Me and my friends would act up alot still.
Sometimes we got yelled at soemtimes we didnt, but as long as it got kawai's
attention it was fine with me.
As time pass by i would sitll have feelings for her. And the only person
that i know forsure knew who i liked, was ivan. this guy is trust worthy.
Once in a while we would sit down and he would listen to my problems about
her. he was kinda like my therapist. And what he would say is " i dont get it..
why do so many ppl like her...what do they see in her" my reply would be..dunno..
i especcially didnt know y cuz i knew she didnt like me..So as time pass by..i
would think about her not liking me, more and more. One of my friends eva,
introduced me and a friend of hers, Ann. Me and Ann would talk. we had many
different things to talk about. weeks gone by and i dont recall thinkning
about kawai as much as i did. My freelings were growing on Ann and i would talk
to kawai less and less. i would call Ann randomly and our coversations would
be veryyyy weird and funny. so the more we got to know each other i started to lose intrest in kawai mainly becuz of the fact that she didnt have any internet source.
and ann was the one that i focused on. Lol, and ann would always ask me woh i liked and i never told her becuz
i was afraid of expressing my feelings, scared of rejection.
until one time i said id tell her only if she told me who she liked first..
and asked her y does she wanna know. she said y not. i told her it was because
"who ever i liked wouldnt wanna be with my so it wouldnt matter" so when
she finally told me who she liked, it was very surprising, becuz somebody
like her...wow..would like me? thats like.. a solar eclipse. so when it was my turn,i told her it was
her that i liked. From that day, we would text msg each other alot. saying
how we felt about each other. XD. Until oneday i asked her if she would wanna
be with me. she told me yes. and that was that. From that day on i would
call her everyyday to talk to her. our conversations would always be weird
and painfull..becuz we would always come up with scenarios about how we would
leave each other and this would just come up randomly. I still called her
everyday with many textmsgs. My mom would complain about how i use my cell
phone too much n this was odd becuz she complained that i didnt ues my cell
phone at all!!!! One time the phone bill came and the fee for text msging was
60 bucks and o__O each text msging [sending only costed] was 10cents..so as
time moved by..i started to think about kawai more.. and i lost intrest in ann
but i didnt wanna hurt her so i never said anything. When kawai got her interent back,
i would try to talk to both girls because i liked them both but i would talk to ann more
just because i was with her. Kawai's profile would have these things expressing herself,
i didnt know who it was about or why it was there, but i would soon find out.
imm not done but ill be adding more later.
and as time passed I didn't know what to do. I haven't cried like astraesboi ( it doesn't mean like crying is something wrong or ashaming thing ) but I was really devastated like he was 
