Casual Sex

I don't even know where to begin telling you how terribly unsatisfying it is if you are a terminal '*BLEEP* Rat'. To those in a relationship, your life looks brilliant. They'll wax lyrical about how they wish they were out on the pull week after week, about how they wish their girlfriends would let them play out more often, and about how they live vicariously through you.

Fact is, if life was that bad being in a relationship, they'd just sack the missus and be out on the lash with you every week. Nah, they know when they're onto a good thing. The problem with being single is that sex is pretty irregular, and if you don't take advantage of opportunities, it's easy to get into a spell of enforced celibacy. A friend of mine, who is good looking, charming, and has a reputation as a ladies man, once went an entire year without sex when he was at university. It was impossible to explain, but it became a bit of a running joke, and when everyone is watching you, and all your friends are actively trying to get you laid, that's when you become the sexual equivalent of Screech Powers (pre-cack moustache).

Another problem I have is that the kind of girl you pick up on a one night stand generally falls into one of two categories:
1) Complete slag. Does this every week, and won't bat an eyelid when you walk past her the next week. Insists on saying 'I never do this usually' every 18 seconds.
or
2) The naive girl just out of a relationship. Insists on saying 'I never do this usually' every 18 seconds.

Each has their own problems. The first is fine, but will leave you feeling strangely unsatisfied and empty as you realise you've essentially been where hundreds have been before, and that you are back to square one. You also just no that she's incubating some kind of penis destroying virus and not taken her word that 'she's on the pill'. The latter, you might actually like. As she hastily dresses at 8am on a Sunday morning 'for work' you realise that she probably has a boyfriend, or at least did have, and took one look at your mush in the morning and a small part of her - possibly her virginity - died. Days later you wonder why you didn't get her number, until it dawns on you that she never offered it.

You won't meet a 'proper' girlfriend through casual sex. The best relationship you can build from casual sex is with your local GUM clinic nurse, who will visibly recoil from you when approached outside of work, making hissing noises and threatening you with a can of mace.

U2

U2 used to be brilliant. In the eighties I'd have kissed Bono's tiny eyes, and played soothingly with Edge's lovely ponytail. The other two could play drums and get unexpectedly naked on the inside of sleeve covers respectively.

I don't know when it happened... but I think it was Bosnia. That was when U2 became more about some kind of political crusade, more about the personalities than the music. A lot of people blame Zooropa, but that wasn't so bad. Showed they had a sense of humour at least. Anyway, I remember there was a concert in '96 or '97... and half way through (they'd probably just played 'Discotheque') Bono only gets ****ing KOFI ANNAN on the blower! Imagine you've paid good money to watch U2 in concert. Robbie Williams was supporting but that wasn't too bad because he had that entertain you song and he looked a bit off his *BLEEP*. But hang on, nobody said that half way through, Bono would get the U.N secretary general on the phone, plaster his face on the big screen, and give you a MASSIVE guilt trip about how many bombs were being dropped on Sarajevo right now. Look mate, it wasn't my fault, that's all I'm saying.

From then on it's just been downhill. He's always bantering with the Pope, coddling the President, or playing Ludo with Geldof. The thing is, I wouldn't mind but the music has gone utterly turd too. 'Elevation' and the like were all dross. They've never sounded as soulless as they do now. When Bono sang that he couldn't live with or without me, I actually walked to Dublin, pulled down my trousers, and presented myself in front of him, ready to be mounted by Royalty. Now he'd be lucky to get a sly handjob.

Football Manager

Honestly, some days I can't believe people of a certain age still play Football Manager. It's not because the game has become poorer, or because of all the new features making it too complicated. Football Manager is just as good, if not better than it has ever been.In fact, this is more about video games in general. The thing is, I can understand kids between the ages of 15 and 18 playing it, but grown men? Anyone with a job/life? I suppose you could forgive those that are too old to properly socialise (ie: without the wife and kids) but personally I ran out of spare time for it aged about 20. It was then that I entered the phase I currently inhabit, where anything that requires true concentrtion, such as FM or, as I say, any kind of game with a lot of depth has become almost like work.

Every now and then I crank up FM06 (the last incarnation I bought) and stick my old Valencia game on. I usually last about half an hour before I give up being interested, and start just pressing the space bar until the computer says I can't play with only 10 outfield players. Well how about THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'LL DO! Honestly, I'm the one with the complex neurons that could never be recreated by the human hand, so I'll make the decisions around here.

I've tried plenty of games out in the vague hope that I'd find one that would hold my attention and keep me wanting more. Perhaps it says more about me that I enjoy 'Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' for the simple reason that I get to spend vast amounts of time listening to music and driving with little thought for the consequences.

Blondes

Ever had a conversation with a blonde? I don't mean one of those strange daywalker blondes that has really pale skin and lakes that look like they're a leper - I mean a good looking blonde. I haven't that I can remember. The blonde woman goes through life with a cheeky smile, a shake of her hips and a permatan. None of this requires much actual thought, so engaging in conversation with them is a huge minefield. The safe bet with blondes is to stay on the three subjects they are comfortable with, in the vague hope that they might get 'on a roll' and manage a thought of their own. These subjects are:

1) How good they look
2) Their clothes, and how good they look in them
3) Smiling and nodding

Of course, dark haired people can be thick too, but it's not as common, mainly because a woman who hasn't died her hair blonde is aware that she probably can't get a decent job just by turning up to an interview and intimitating that she'd be prepared to sleep with the interviewer to get the job. They could try, but it just wouldn't work, because you see, Blonde haired women will sleep with you to get promoted, wheras a brunette will sleep with you, get the job, and within 6 months she's taken your job, you've been demoted, your wife has left you and you're eating cold bean juice out of a can because she took the can opener when she left, and you could only stab a hole big enough for the tomato sauce to come out.

Democracy

Let the people decide! Give them the freedom to make choices!

Let me tell you, people are completely ****ing stupid. At any given moment, 95% of supposedly 'rational' people are roughly 0.8 seconds away from forming a mob and lynching anyone who isn't British. People are so easily led by the media that it is almost impossible to conduct a reasoned conversation with someone these days. People ream off facts and figures that they saw in the daily star as if they are the gospel. You ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. Do we want the death penalty? No, but if you ask people just after someone's gone on a mass killing spree, their tiny minds can't deal with the grief they feel, and they end up offering the use of their axe.

And trying to spread Democracy? Ridiculous. Imagine if someone walked into our country and decided to enforce a Communist dictatorship on us. We'd go absolutely mental. Yet when we waltz into countries with entire armies, we expect people to be over the moon. What we inevitably forget is that no matter what happens, some people always do well. These people don't like it when armed men come into their happy little lives and say that the good times are over, so they pay a bunch of guys to walk around town for them and cause trouble, just so people know who's boss. Before you know it, they've formed 'The Martyrs brigade of mincing jalopies' and everyone is shitting their pants.

Honestly, just give it up. In my opinion, the best way to spread democracy is just don't. What we should do is make sure that all these crazy dictators have hot playboy models for wives. Whenever I'm angry, I lash out, I go moody, and I take it out on those closest to me. The best way to deal with it is to either have (relationship!) sex or a crafty one off the wrist. Heads of state are the same - they just have access to infinitely more missiles than me.

Going to the Cinema

I hate the pictures. Imagine the ideal conditions for watching a movie. Huge screen maybe? an alcoholic drink or two? Some female company to grope while people talk/do boring stuff? How about 200 complete strangers boring holes into the back of your head?

The Cinema is terrible. The screen is huge yeah? So why, in the days of HDTV, do cinema screens still look like they did during silent movies? You half expect a man to wheel out a piano and start playing a little ditty. You can't talk to your friends, you DEFINATELY can't talk to any date you may have taken. Here's why:

Me: 'mmmnffn fffrrr
Her: 'sorry?'
Me: 'Mnnnrfnfffrrrr'
Her: 'Speak up I can't hear you'
*Cinema goes silent*
'DO YOU GO TO THE PICTURES MUCH?'

'Get away from me, you shouting Freak.' That is what women think whenever you raise your voice. In vocal terms, you just gave them a punch in the eye and told them to get back to the Kitchen sink.

And I hate the fact that if I want to eat during a film, I have to wait until it's a really really loud action sequence. When others are rooted to their seat, gripping the armrests, I'm shovelling 16 Nachos in my mouth and trying to tip the cheese in after. Classic example last week, my mate put a Nacho in his mouth at the same time as me, and the cinema certificate came up. Cue dead silence. To crunch would be MADNESS. We both sat there while the Nachos soggily fell apart in our mouths, the hot cheese burning our mouths.

My ideal cinema experience would be me, a girl, on a comfy seat, on a nice shiny new TV, with as much food and drink as we wanted - and the film would pause every time we needed the toilet. ie: I'd watch it on DVD.

The Internet

Oh cruel world. I hate the internet, the very thing that gives this writing sustenance! I don't hate the internet, but my god, it's boring. In the very same way it can enlighten you, entertain you, and help bring you closer to your friends, it can misinform, bore you, and leave you alienated from your social groups.

Ever spent a whole day on the internet? Fun at times, you can do it every now and again... try spending a week solid. It's ridiculous. You end up refreshing the BBC news website 40 times an hour in the hope that something remotely interesting happens. You get into a routine - turn computer on, check emails, check forum, check BBC, check ESPN, and... that's it. The main reason Internet forums are so popular is just because they relieve the boredom somewhat for those who spend most of their time on the internet. Next time you see someone you know online on myspace or facebook, give them a ring and ask them what they're doing. I guarantee the word 'bored' will come up.

The internet, in all honesty, is at it's best when used primarily for porn. I could wax lyrical about how much I enjoy that.

The Simpsons

The Simpsons used to be amazing. Remember when Bill Clinton said he did it with pigs? Remember all the great episodes where Homer was completely insane? 'Yes... Bart's a Tooter now... Toot on son! Toot on!' They are the memories I have of the Simpsons at it's very very best.

Unfortunately, The Simpsons is now almost 10 years removed from it's glory days. Any other show would have been taken out the back and shot like the dirty stinking yellow dog that it was. Unfortunately, Fox seems to have no intention of ever stopping the cash cow that the show has become. Remember that 'behind the scenes' episode where they had a song called 'They'll never stop the Simpsons' to allay people's fears that creator Matt Groening would stop making new episodes? Well it's come true. Horribly horribly true.

I literally cannot bring myself to go and watch the movie. I'd just be validating the very thing that frustrates me, about it. If people keep forking out money for relentless *****, then it's hard to blame anyone for pumping out more relentless *****. I'd like to see the show return to it's prior greatness, but it will never happen. The creators are now too aware of why the characters were good, and what made them stale. In a way, their biggest error was probably listening to the viewing public. We are the ones who asked for more stupidity from Homer, we are the one who forced the writers to create ridiculously outlandish scenarios, and it was probably us who asked them to book more guest stars, though frankly I don't remember that and I think it might have just been people like Gervais pleading to get on.



Oasis

This may be unfair to some. Oasis are no longer as highly rated by most of us as they were in their peak.

On the other hand, you see so many young guys of 20-25, and they listen to Oasis, they chant along to 'Don't look back in anger', but their musical taste has never actually evolved. I think Oasis were great for a couple of albums, but after 'Be Here Now' I grew out of them, just like a lot of right thinking people. Unfortunately, as previously mentioned, many people are idiots.

In the main I can't blame people for liking 'Definately Maybe' and 'Whats the story...', but it's the way Liam and Noel are treated with such hallowed grace by people who have no idea about music at all. A friend once called Keane 'Indie bed wetters', and I knew full well that he'd just heard Liam say the same thing the week before. I'm not saying I find Keane that great, but they aren't too bad and I actually believe that a lot of people set some stall by the Gallaghers' thoughts about music. Do people not realise that they are incapable of churning out a half decent tune themselves these days, and their taste in music is trad and dated.

I have a rule about bands - as soon as more than one original member leaves, just give up. It would have saved us many many musical embarassments over the years.

Will Ferrell films

Again, I will give this a 'post-Anchorman' strap line. That was a true great, but anyway...

In all honestly, any good jokes Will Ferrell could have made were already done either on SNL or in Anchorman. He's been playing himself ever since. I laughed at 'Old School' where he played a halfwit, but every film since then has been abysmal. Talladega Nights? That one where he's a football manager? And don't get me started on Semi pro...

Ok I just have to say this: Semi Pro was one of the worst films I've ever seen. I came out and asked my friends 'is it really over?' because I could not believe that the movie was even given the green light with such a half-arsed 'plot'. Any 'jokes' that were in the movie were already in the trailer. In fact, there was a bit in the trailer that wasn't in the ****ing film! I might invent a wacky character with the emotional sensibilities of a 5 year old, and then play him myself in every movie he appears in, only give him a different name so that you can put him into various silly situations.

See you on the walk of fame.

These views belong to the poster only and don't necessarily represent the community as a whole

 

 

 

Reply

Do you know what else is over rated? your display picture (no offence) I have a good sense of humour by anyones standards but the whole idea of that being funny is ludicrous it made me smile slightly when I first saw it and now it's just boring like I said no offence like you just hate that picture!

Also I hate the way A lot of America is so scared of communism I mean look a "nam".... ITS VIETNAM for god sake... of course thats the people who fought there saying it. "I lost my leg fighting for our country". Great so your country communist free and you compltely screwed up another one you idiot it's not patriotic it's stupid (pronounced Stew-pid not Stoo-pid) and you lost so what you bragging about? Why is everyone so scared of communism it's not ever going to take over america so don't worry about it. I'm going to say this. Communism is a good idea in theory but it just doesn't work... everyone should be equal agreed but not so equal that they're the same... I'm talking rights wise for example everyone should be able to say what they want wear what they want. Of course criminals are not equal and don't deserve to be therefore they forfiet their rights in my opinion. Now this wasn't an anti America speach it was an "anti american anti communist speach (or rant I suppose also to finallise that saying stoo-pid makes you sound like an idiot)"

Also Oasis are possibly the most overated band in britain! and the simpsons rule though they're not as good as family gut or futerama or american dad! but they are still good family comedy!

 

 

 

Reply

Casual Sex
seriously when was a relationship about sex some people actualy think that if their girlfriends wont hit the sack with them it means they dont love them but they never realise that if she's willing hit the sack with you then what about those other guys that loved her did she love them back. i think those people that go around having one night stands every other day are just pathetick freacks who has nothing to do but try to fill some void with meaningless sex. yet a lot of people wonder why so many STDs are spreading around and why aids is such a big deal.

U2
dont know much about them

Football Manager
never palyed but it does sound like one of the dumbest game idea someone could come up with.

Blondes
if you're talking about the blonds has of people that blond hair i think that's very steriotipical and thats messed up. the majority of blonds that i know ae not stupid or think the worlds of themselves. they are pretty anteligent and can hold a conversation like anybody else. as a mater a fact blonds are like every other person because there are some dumb brunnets or redheads or any kind person, so it's not right to think that just beacuse someone is blond that it means they're stupid, or errogant.

if you say blond as of those "people" that rely on their look to get what they want then that's a different thing. i think those people needs to get a hit of reality. they need to know that they need to work as hard as everybody else to get what they want.

Democracy
i dont see much wrong with democracy a goverment where people vot for what or who they want is fine. as for the stupid people most people that are voters that i know are pretty well informed about what the candadates want and what's best for their point of view. as of america's obsetion with making the world demacratic is very stupid they're just hipocritical bulies that think they are the best and can make people do whatever they want.

Going to the Cinema
i never found much interest in going to the movies i always prefered waiting for the DVD to come out then i'd buy it or borow it from some one who has it.

The Simpsons
the simpsones are pretty funny but when you've been running for a longtime it's hard to come up with new and creative ideas so that's probably why it got boring after so long

dude i'm sory but most of the things you've said seems like meaningless ranting about stuff you just hate. for some of them you give meaningfull and well understood arguments but for some others you just basicly say i hate this. but waterver i myself found thar some these stuff are stupid too.

Reply

The whole "I can hav cheezbrger plz" thing was very funny at the time and I've not been bothered to change it yet. Very valid point though.

As I said at the bottom, my views had to post something and that came out all rather easy. Don't pent it up, let it out!

Reply

Casual Sex

Great, if you wanna do an act that is completely for your own pleasure or the pleasure of another person OR which is the most common for both of you! *TWO BIRDS ONE STONE * People overhype sex. If you use protection and are careful then theres no reason it shouldnt be anything more than fun for two people, or more if your into that.

U2

I detest U2. There is nothing more painful that listening to *BLEEP* music. And this is a *BLEEP* band. Of course with music it's all about opinion but there is nothing good about U2. Lyrically they are about on an equivelant of writing your name in the snow with piss. Instrumentally they are about as talented as a five year old with a stick and a rock. Oh by the way the child is mentally handicap and has irreperable damage to his arms causing him to have uncontrollable flailing at all times. If you dont believe me let me take example a stunning U2 verse. Filled with incredible thought and feeling, emotion harrowing from every syllable.



Don't you ever DARE try and say that it's hidden meaning and it's an enigma of the human language. It's random words strung together and for the last three lines he just thought *BLEEP* IT IM BONO! and just wrote absolute irrelevant crap.

Football Manager

Dumbest game ever. Really. Why play football outside with your friends when you can sit inside and play it on your games console! OR If your too lazy to do that, how about you just play a game of telling people how to play football.

Blondes

Don't discriminate against people based on something as trivial as hair colour. There are people that have blonde hair that aren't idiots and you know it. A more appropriate heading of this supchapter would be - plastics. And yes, I do detest idiots. Today I have completely erased someone from my life simply because they didnt know what the word integrity meant.

Democracy

OP is right in all honesty. People are thick and don't know what they want but in the end all the leaders are offering more or less the same thing. There is only ever one thing to do at any given time. People don't deserve to choose but if they don't they'll cry.

Going to the Cinema

Brilliant social event. Not so much for the actual watching of the film itself. It's pretty simple, sit down and shut up. That would make the film bearable for everyone in the cinema. Afterwards when your hanging with your buds, talking about the film. It's all fantastic. Especially if your a big film buff.

The Internet

Best thing anyone ever invented. If OP doesn't like it. Stay offline and stop fagging up my life.

The Simpsons

Fantastic, the old episodes were funnier but having seen them all 1999 times it's lost alot of it's magic. However the new episodes are of course, new. The jokes are unheard of and the stories are fresher.

Oasis

Read U2, same band, different combination of notes that's all.

Will Ferrell films
Blame the director and scripts not the actor. I'm not very strong on the subject because I haven't seen all that many films with him in. If I have I'm sure that they would suck just as much as if anyone else was doing it.



These views belong to the poster only and don't necessarily represent the community as a whole

Reply