I was watching the Tyra Banks show today ( because there is little else on at 6 am) and her guests were people with addictions. Tyra covered a variety of addictions such as alcoholism, surgery, shopping, and cutting on oneself.

After the show I wrote her an email ( I have no idea if she will ever see it) about the viscious cycle that is involved with people who cut themselves. I thought I would share my email and personal story here because cutting oneself is on an extraordinary rise ( particularly in our youth today) and I wanted to help educate some of the behind the scenes (physical) reasons to this behaviour. I also share this so that maybe those who are involved with this behaviour can better understand some of the feelings that they have, that they are not freaks, they are not alone, and that there ARE ways of overcoming it. If you know someone who cuts on themselves please feel free to pass on my story if you think it will help.

The only thing I changed for posting it here at Trap17 was my personal information which will be denoted with **.
The material below may not be suitable for some readers ( as it is intense though not necessarily graphic).



Hello Tyra!

I just saw your show about addictions where your guests shared their stories about their addictions to alcohol, cutting on oneself and surgery/shopping. I think it is great that you arranged for the lady with the alcoholism to get into a top notch rehab program and I was very sorry to hear about the horrors that the surgery/shopping lady endured at such a young age.

I wanted to touch base on the gal with the cutting addiction. It's so hard for me to even think of where to begin on this touchy and important topic.
To give you some background on me:

My name is **GrinningKittie and I am a 31 year old mother of two beautiful children. They are the apples of my eyes. I was not always a happy person though. When I was 15 I discovered the escape of the bleeding flesh. At the time people like me were considered freaks, which is just as bad as today's "Emo " subculture that seems to embrace such behaviour these days. At any rate I ended up cutting because I stopped crying. I was powerless to change what was happening around me in my family and even though I was an outgoing person I was never very popular. I was always an outsider. I was filled with pain. I knew that when I was mad I could use a razor and "take out" punishment (in my head) on those who had made me feel so miserable. For instance if my mother had gone off the deep end on me I could imagine getting back at her while I cut myself, without crying ( which I felt showed weakness). Would I ever hurt my mother? No. The feelings of hurt and resentment were there though and the usual "talk things out" or what not did not work.
What I did not know and I would love to see you be able to help educate others on ( because you are so widely known and so many people love you and listen to you) is the endorphinic addiction that this behaviour starts.

Endorphins are those chemicals released when you are under duress or stress which can help the body heal and cope. Some examples of endorphinic release are after running ( "runner's high"), during sexual intercourse ( " feelings of elation"), after recieving an injury ( feeling numb to the pain), and even meditation ( that sense of balance and peace).
This is why cutters say "they feel alive" when they bleed. What they do not understand ( nor did I at the time, and I never felt "alive" I felt relieved ) is that they are releasing endorphins when they cut. That is the "high" or relief or peace of mind that they are recieving. What they do not know ( and I did not at the time) is that they are starting a cycle that can take years to fix and affects all levels of ones being.

Physically it leaves scars ( which can later be very much so regretted) and invites risks of infection. Also physically it creates a pain tolerance level that becomes interpreted as a craving for more "relief" i.e. more endorphines to be dumped into the system to attain and retain that sense that is originally being sought. This means deeper cuts, more cuts or other ways to release ( as a personal example....to change things up I would use necklaces to whip my legs because the sting was as intense but it left no scars). While a high pain tolerance sounds like a good thing, in the long run it can run against you. Imagine mistaking appendicitis as a bad bout of gas ( this did not happen to me, however it did happen to a friend of mine).
What I am saying is that the physical side to this addiction is a lot like those "adrenaline junkies" you hear about ( people who are always after the next intense high in relation to high intensity sports or pastimes). Only this does not stop on a physical level.

Psychologically this leaves one very confused both chemically and emotionally. If you already have self esteem issues then this behaviour just adds to it. I started to feel like a freak ( and back when I was 15 this pretty much was considered freakish and/or psychotic behaviour). I wanted people to accept me which was hard enough as it was BEFORE this behaviour started, the behaviour was not helping. However I felt it was the only way I could cope with how I felt.
Chemically this becomes an addiction. Much like an alcoholic sees a beer mug and wants a drink, a cutter sees something sharp and wants that endorphinc high ( this is a loose, simplified generalization). It can get to a point that you just want to cut "just because" , which can eat at you internally and emotionally if you do not ( and I didn't as well as I am sure many others do not) know that this is the chemical addiction kicking in, which has no rational voice or reasoning behind it.

Emotionally it tears you in two. You realize the behaviour is wrong and not healthy. You can't stop though and don't understand that it isn't just an emotional thing anymore. It's beyond that.
Cutting can also seriously put an emotional skew on your sex life too. When a couple engages in sexual activity it is usually consentual and between people who have some sort of strong emotional bond ( well that is a general example lol). During intercourse endorphins are released. If you already associate endorphinic release with anger, pain, hurt or feelings of shame or feeling dirty then these feelings will seep into you ( subconsciously) while you are in the midst of sharing an act with another that should feel special. I used to cry after having an orgasm. I was so confused too because it felt SO great and then these deep feelings of hurt and depression would just roll over me as soon as I came down off of the big O. These feelings came unbidden at me and I had no idea why I would have them, let alone any control over them. This did nothing to help me in my feelings of normalcy or self worth.

I was only in the cutting cycle for two years, but the affects lasted for years.
What made me stop? I became pregnant with my son at 17 and I knew that when I had the baby I could not continue this behaviour. It was one of the hardest things to do (putting down the sharp objects).
So how did this affect me after I put the razors down?
I was emotionally frustrated and depressed. What I did not know was this was a type of endorphinic withdrawl. I was moody. I did not know how to handle my emotions. I had a hard time still crying ( I stopped crying for well over a year). The urge to just pick up and cut was always there. I am so happy I had my son. He was my focus and my strength to not continue the behaviour.

These feelings lasted for years after I had put down the sharp objects( including the afore mentioned feelings during intercourse). In fact I did not really understand the impact cutting on myself had done to me emotionally as well as endorphinically until a friend of mine invited me to try my hand at meditation with her group. I'm not really into meditation, but I heard it can help calm people down ( and I am a very active person lol) so I figured what the hey. The person leading the guided meditation went into some information about meditation, what it does, how it works dealing with endorphins and relaxation. I tuned most of it out. We did the meditation and when I hit "that" point I reconized "that" feeling. That feeling of release and comfort. Only instead of feeling all relaxed I ended up in tears. I felt relaxed, released, shamed and dirtied.
Those negative feelings were associated with the endorphin release on a subconscious level tied with the emotions I used to have when I cut myself.
I was 26 when I discovered this. Since discovering it and coming to grips with it I have been able to completely let go of the need or urge to cut ( even though I stopped the behaviour at 17 the urges, especially in times of severe stress never left).

The reason I write you on this topic is so that you can better understand on a deeper level how damaging this behaviour is. It can affect people for life if they do not understand the deeper aspects of it ( it haunted me for 9 years AFTER I had completely quit). If people truly understand how this behaviour affects them, why they have mixed emotions when they do it, the physical and psychological affects of endorphins, then maybe we can see a decline in such a damaging way of coping and managing stress.

It is sad that in my day, people like me were shunned. Now there is a subculture called "Emo" which stands for ( from my understanding) "Emotionally Challenged" where it is accepted and almost even seemingly applauded for one to cut and carve oneself. This saddens me to no end. I myself have talked with teens ( boys actually because boys are just as prone to this behaviour as girls) about the dangers of cutting. Not just about how it hurts those around you or the risk of infections but the long term damage and the long hard road back to recovery from it.

I would love to see you do a show that touches base deeply on this disheartening form of expression in order to educate people. Not just kids, but parents, teachers and people in the mental health field too. Many people outside the cutting are afraid, feel it is unnatural, react strongly in a negative manner and are prone to make threats or slap on labels that do not help the situation. I think with education and knowledge a positive difference can be made in the lives of the people who are affected by this.

Thank you greatly for taking the time to read through this. If you would like to contact me back ( which I know you are busy so I'm not worried if you do not) feel free to email me at:
**Myhotmail

Sincerely,
**GrinningKittie