 New Chorus For My Song 'dream Girl' |
|
|
|
|
  |
 Sep 19 2006, 03:32 PM
Post
#1
|
|
|
Newbie  Group: Members Posts: 0 Joined: 28-November 05 Member No.: 15,013  |
This is my new chorus tell me what u think
*()= talkin *(And she asked me, who is your dream girl?........) My dream girl is, the one who makes me wanna wake up in the morning Makes my heart beat faster without warning Who makes the butterflies in my stomach roll Like you'd never no One who cares for me Who's always there for me To trust and believe Never gonna leave One who makes me smile Drives my feelings wild And if she asked me who I'd say.....that girl is you |
 |
 
|
 May 8 2007, 09:47 PM
Post
#2
|
|
|
Kween of Everything :) Group: Members Posts: 1,052 Joined: 16-October 04 From: Houston, Tejas :D Member No.: 1,774 |
QUOTE(stevenufc291088 @ Sep 19 2006, 10:32 AM)  This is my new chorus tell me what u think *()= talkin *(And she asked me, who is your dream girl?........) My dream girl is, the one who makes me wanna wake up in the morning Makes my heart beat faster without warning Who makes the butterflies in my stomach roll Like you'd never no One who cares for me Who's always there for me To trust and believe Never gonna leave One who makes me smile Drives my feelings wild And if she asked me who I'd say.....that girl is you Spell "no" as *know. I'm not sure how the melody goes, but make sure it falls into rhythm. If it doesn't, it's going to sound awkward. The part about making the butterflies in your stomach roll... it just feels strange. I'd like to point out that the top few lines of your chorus are all really long and the last bunch are all a decent size. I'd try to keep it consistent, so try to rewrite the top four so that they match the rhythm of your bottom lines. Try replacing "one" with "someone" and maybe change "To trust and believe" to "To trust and believe in me" and make the next line to match with it, because saying "and believe" by itself sounds kinda weird. Overall, the song is very sweet. Nice work 
|
|
|
|
|
Jun 13 2007, 12:20 PM
Post
#3
|
|
|
Newbie Group: Members Posts: 0 Joined: 13-June 07 Member No.: 44,717 |
Hi
This is very good lyrics. Your composition is great. Every one wants this. Every one wants this. |
|
|
|
|
Jun 14 2007, 04:41 PM
Post
#4
|
|
|
Newbie [Level 1] Group: Members Posts: 11 Joined: 14-June 07 Member No.: 44,791 |
good song.I like it...I think that you have a good melody for it...
|
|
|
|
|
Jun 26 2007, 03:00 PM
Post
#5
|
|
|
Newbie [Level 2] Group: Members Posts: 34 Joined: 26-June 07 Member No.: 45,496 |
i liked it i think its lovely.
keep it up (y) |
|
|
|
|
Aug 14 2007, 03:07 PM
Post
#6
|
|
|
Advanced Member Group: Members Posts: 116 Joined: 6-August 07 Member No.: 47,650 |
QUOTE(stevenufc291088 @ Sep 19 2006, 11:32 AM) This is my new chorus tell me what u think *()= talkin *(And she asked me, who is your dream girl?........) My dream girl is, the one who makes me wanna wake up in the morning Makes my heart beat faster without warning Who makes the butterflies in my stomach roll Like you'd never no One who cares for me Who's always there for me To trust and believe Never gonna leave One who makes me smile Drives my feelings wild And if she asked me who I'd say.....that girl is you Yeah, I agree with what the first poster said. You might want to sort of shorten the first 3 lines or so. Take out words like "wanna" in the first line and for the third line just say "And who makes my stomach roll" leave out the whole butterflies thing. No offence, but when I say it in my head I get this really hillary Duff-ish backstreet boy think. You can't really have a non jumpy happy over-jolly song with lyrics like these. But if thats the type of music you like, go for it. I think they're alright, it's just these are really common words to rhyme with. Me, me, Leave, believe. Who, you Smile, wild (sorta common). Morning and warning are probably the best rhymes in here. Oh well. |
|
|
|
|
Oct 16 2007, 05:37 PM
Post
#7
|
|
|
Member [Level 2] Group: Members Posts: 85 Joined: 1-October 07 Member No.: 50,972 |
QUOTE(lilemi @ Aug 14 2007, 04:07 PM) Yeah, I agree with what the first poster said. You might want to sort of shorten the first 3 lines or so. Take out words like "wanna" in the first line and for the third line just say "And who makes my stomach roll" leave out the whole butterflies thing. No offence, but when I say it in my head I get this really hillary Duff-ish backstreet boy think. You can't really have a non jumpy happy over-jolly song with lyrics like these. But if thats the type of music you like, go for it. I think they're alright, it's just these are really common words to rhyme with. Me, me, Leave, believe. Who, you Smile, wild (sorta common). Morning and warning are probably the best rhymes in here. Oh well. That looks great. You should post the music notation when you write it 
|
|
|
|
|
Similar Topics
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 8th September 2008 - 12:37 AM |