Dear Tech Support:
Last Year i upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of valueable space and resources. The new program also seems to need more and better system specs every month. Wife 1.0 installed it self into all other programs and now moniters all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 are automatically blocked and when tried to open the system shuts down. I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking of going back to GirlFriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. please Help!
Thanks,
A troubled User,
(KEEP READING)

REPLY:
Dear troubled User,
This is a very common problem that many IWfe1.0 user complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0, thinking it is just a entertainment and utilities program. Wife 1.0 is a OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run, check moniter EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 users manual under Warning-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving your situation. I suggest installing the backgroud application "YES DEAR" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give theAPOLOGIZE command before the system willl return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0
is a great program, bu it tends to be very high maintainence. Wife 1.0 comes with many support programs, such as CLEAN AND SWEEP 3.0, COOK IT1.5 and DO BILLS 4.2. However, be very carefull how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to luanch NAG NAG 9.5. Once this happence, the only way to improve the proformence of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 1.0 and Diamond 5.0! WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretery With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversable and unerasable damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support,

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.


AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.



Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.



A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.


Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble- shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.


Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."


Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.



An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.



Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

I find these things extremely hilarious!
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.


AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.



Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.



A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.


Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble- shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."


Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.



An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.



Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Guy Calls Up the Computer Helpdesk

Guy calls up the computer helpdesk, well, you know how sometimes they record the conversations for trainees, check this one out.

Assistant: Hello and welcome to homesite computer's helpdesk, how may I help you?

customer: Yeah, well I just have a question about my computer.

assistant: What's that?

customer: Well, I saw this thing called explorer, and I clicked on it, but something went wrong.

assistant: How do you mean?

customer: Well this little box opened and said page not found, and the box was just white, so I was just wondering what to do.

assistant: Well you have to type in the address.

customer: Oh! my address! ok thanks, ok bye

assistant: Thank you for calling...

Five minutes later the same guy calls up and the same assistant answers.

assistant: Hello and welcome to homesite computer's helpdesk, how may I help you?

customer (recognizing the voice): Hey, well it's me again, from five minutes ago, with the explorer.

assistant: Oh yes, of course, did things work out?

customer: Uuuh, well, no, I typed my address but I got the page not found thing again.

assistant: No sir, you don't type in your address, you type in the name of the website.

customer: I'm not sure what you mean, could you give me an example.

assistant: ok, try www.

customer: w.

assistant: no no, three w's and then .

customer: Three w's and then a dot? What the ____ kind of name is that?

assistant: No, sir, it's the URL

customer: Ok wait, so his first name is Earl and then what?

assistant: Noooh! ah, ok, do you still have the papers and the box that came with the computer.

customer: Yeah, sure, why?

assistant, well put everything back in the box and bring it back to the store.

customer: Oh, man, it's that bad?

assistant: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

customer: well, what should I tell them?

assistant: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.