A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The barman looks over and says "You're not going to start anything in here, mate!"



Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings." The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out. Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "What's wrong with you? Can't you read? I don't serve strings!" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"



A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Wow! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

Those are great.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."



A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender says "what can i get you guys?"
the first says "i'll have a bloody mary".
the second orders a bloody caesar(sp?).
the third says "i'll just have a cup of hot water."
the other two vampires and the bartender all sort of stare at him dumbfoundedly.
He pulls something out of his coat pocket and looks back up to see them starting.
He says, "What?! I'm having tea!" and holds up the bloody tampon defensively.

that was a bit over the top .........


anyway

a Aussie bloke walks into a bar in England, and walks up to the bartender. The bartender starts boasting about his bulldog that could rip the shreds out of any dog it came up against. The man says to him "Ok, then, ill bring in my dog tomorrow, and we'll see who wins."
"What kind of dog do you have" says the bartender.
"Oh, its a short legged, long snouted, sharp toothed, ridge back terrier."
"oh...... ok...." says the bartender, not really knowing what was going on.

the next day the aussie walks into the bar again with his dog, and challenges the bartender to a fight. They put both dogs in a ring, and they fight. The Aussie's Dog literally rips the bulldog to pieces.

the bartender, with a dumbfounded look on his face, asks again "Exactly what kind of dog do you have?"
the Aussie replies "Oh, its a short legged, long snouted, sharp toothed, ridge back terrier, but in Australia we just call them Crocodiles."


AUSSIES RULE!!

lol thats a good joke

So this guy walks into a bar.
"Ow, my head..."

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Pinoy samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his sword and-swish!-the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. The Pinoy samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword.

SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead." "Anak ng…," replied the Pinoy samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision...that takes skill!"

Okay I think I might move this to the jokes section but Im not sure so I will do it.

[this topic was moved to the entertainment and jokes section]